I know my temperature gauge rises and falls like a see saw some days.
I haven't shared much because I am as testy as can be.
I will share what I feel of late along with some thoughts I'm having concerning the recent conversation this evening.
I feel out of sorts; like something isn't right. I can't remember shit, not that shit is what I want to remember...but you know what I mean. Terry hasn't been told to fill out paperwork to become permanent in employment yet. We don't know when that will happen. He is working, but not a full time employee pay wise. I feel that I've been fucked over by so many people what will stop Bruce from doing the same thing and hiring someone else rather than Terry.
We have had all this mess at church over the past year or so. Attendance is down, as we've lost at least 10 members due to the mess with my friend the secretary and Brenda the bitch.
I'm having to work at the nursery and I really don't want to, it hurts me, but I have too much to just dump it, I can't afford to pay anyone to do it. I feel like a lazy bum not working.
Did I say I can't remember shit?? LOL
Casey, CJ's daughter has finally talked her mom into letting her stay with her grandpa so she can go to Tylertown school with all her friends. I am glad because I am tired of her bitching. But it won't make her happy. I am tired of watching Stacie get fatter, CJ look trashier and wobble around like she's drunk. She isn't. She wobbles because of the illness she had but then she, Stacie and now BJ with his hurt foot seem to be wanting to milk it for all it's worth. That pisses me off. Dylan, the little boy wants a bike tube changed. Dad won't do it. Why not. He doesn't do anything else? Terry told him that he needed to get his daddy to do it because Dylan keeps bugging Terry about it. Terry has his hands full. When I say CJ looks trashy, I mean her pants and tops don't meet so her ass crack is always showing and her gut is always hanging out...not to mention her boobs. Ugggh.
So often I have done things for my kids and then regretted it. So often I have believed they are truly in need when they are really just using me. Like after Stacie's wreck, I helped her with some medication and a doctor visit or two to the foot doctor. Now she acts like she expects it..oh she says...mom, don't worry, I will manage, it's just this amount of money. Or ...no I don't have glasses or contacts in or on because I can't see well in my glasses and I'm out of contacts and I have no money to buy more. Or...my foot still hurts but I can't afford the scan...btw, the doctor set her up for a scan when we saw him Tuesday. She is talking with the hospital to see if they can help her because they want 500.00 down before they will do it. I don't have that kind of extra money. She has no insurance. At least CJ has medicaid right now. Stacie wants to get on disability. Why can't she just get up off her ass and work? CJ wants to get on disability. She may need it considering she can't function, and mentally I'm not sure Stacie can...but....here I am truly disabled and still working part time.
How often do we do for our kids yet deep down we resent it? How often do we do for our kids, adult kids and do without something for ourself? Should we still be doing without when our children are grown? How many times do they promise they will look out for us, but there is no indication they will ever follow through--after all, what have they followed through on up until now?
For 6 years I have paid her land taxes, almost 500.00. For 6 years I've told her she needed to pay a little each month toward them, but when she was working she didn't. the land is in our name, so I have to pay them. Each month she was working I had to remind her to pay the electric, and most months she was a month behind. It's in my name. I have to pay it. they use electric heaters like they run off of sunshine. *sigh* It's why we hurried up and hooked up the wood heater I used to have inside my house for her.
I could go on and on...but these are a few of the things that weigh on my mind daily and I've not mentioned my health. :D
I wish the parents would follow. Stacie and CJ each get somewhere in the neighborhood of 350.00 a month food stamps and they were honest about CJ living at Stacie's. I am glad of that. How honest CJ has been about what BJ earns is another story.
I doubt they will turn in Casey's absence, but rather buy a few groceries for her dad to compensate. Casey doesn't eat much so he may not want the money or food. Then again, he's not in any kind of recovery and that whole family is crazy, so i don't see this situation lasting long. It will be one upheaval getting her there, and another when she comes back.
The conversation this morning went like this...
Stacie: might as well go ahead and tell mom
CJ: Casey is going to live with her grandpa
Me: Thank you! I'm tired of hearing her and everyone else bitch about how unhappy she is because she can't go to school where she wants to go.
CJ. Well I think this will work out good.
Me: Yes, for a while, until something pisses Casey off. This won't make her happy for long because happiness comes from within.
Stacie:But it will be different, she can only go on the grounds that she can't come back home.
Me: What?
CJ: yeah, she can't get mad and come back home.
Me: Oh yeah? All she has to do is lay that guilt on you, throw her Casey fit and you'll bring her back in a heartbeat.
CJ: Not this time
Me: Ok. We'll see.
I would give anything if I could run away for some R&R, but alas, I just don't see that happening.
What I do see happening is I think I will call my pulmonary tomorrow and talk with the nurse; see if I can get in to see him sooner and discuss how I've been feeling.
Something isn't right be it physical or emotional or mental or all three.
Speaking of mental...twice the mental health doc has suggested that CJ be admitted into mental hospital.
--
Character is what we are, not what others think we are.
No comments:
Post a Comment