I've been sitting here this evening , well not sitting exactly, we have 5th Sunday night which includes singing and finger foods, so I've baked a cake and a chocolate pie to take--but while I worked I pondered a few things.
Robby drinks and smokes cigs and pot from time to time and harder stuff at various times in his life.
TA smokes cigs but doesn't drink often or much when she does. However, due to accidents from the past she takes some narcotic pain pills--I don't know what they are other than one is neurotin. She has a pain management doctor she sees monthly so she must be on some powerful stuff???
Anyway, I observe a lot when I'm not bitching and here is what I have noticed. She doesn't have a prescription for any breathing treatments but her son, James does. Occasionally she will use his inhaler or his nebulizer so she can breathe, so she says. She drinks coffee from morning till night and those energy drinks and just a while ago she came over and got a B12 because she just didn't have any energy. I asked, quite innocently if they worked immediately for her. She answered that within an hour she noticed a difference. I laughed and said that either I was hard core or it was all in her head because I took them regularly and I couldn't tell any difference.
Now, I never thought about this much until the doc put me on the extra inhaler plus the nebulizer with a med combo. Immediately, even while taking the nebulizer treatment, I get a head rush, a little bit of blurred vision and heart racing effect and have the nervous shakes for a while. I am told these effects will subside or I will adjust to them and it beats the heck out of not having breath to live on....but if TA consumes all this caffeine, on top of narcotic pain killers, plus on occasion uses a breathing treatment and takes B12 for energy, is it possible she is addicted to the rush she gets from the extra caffeine in the energy drinks (they make her nervous) and the rush she gets from the nebulizer (albuterol )
I still haven't figured it all out but it's certainly looking like she is as addicted to her 'drugs of choice' as Robby is his.
Now, after church tonight I had this strange voicemail on my phone. Best I could tell it was from TA and she was talking on and on about some horse Dana, a friend of Robby's has--actually something about 4 horses. I couldn't understand her well, but I will certainly ask her about this horse business. I will have to say no to any more horses until they have their own place and are paying their own way. Geez!!!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
No dull moments
Following my 'uncalled for' fit of Thursday, tension has run high here on the hill. I am a stubborn old coot and sometimes will literally cut off my own nose to spite my face. I wasn't giving an inch on this one. I didn't want their help since I was having to gripe, complain, plead and ask for it. No one showed up to work on Friday--the whole day was spent with the horse; no one showed up to help today--the day was spent with the horse.
When I closed at lunch and came home, I worked on a couple of flower beds, pulling the weeds. Stacie sent the kids down to help and we got several cleaned. I put the tobasco peppers on to cook a bit, and when they were ready Terry blended and strained them.
I fixed some supper and just as I sat down to eat the whole crew came in. Funny how they can smell it when it's done but seldom offer to help--again, the horse is more important. Damn that horse. Anyway, before I finished eating there was a knock on the door and a couple of ladies wanted to pay for the plants they had picked out. Now get this---the doors are locked, there is a large sign at the front door stating my hours and when I opened the door after 6 PM they asked--are you closed?? *rolls eyes*
Anyway, I didn't mind taking their money. Between them they bought about 150.00 worth of plants, so I couldn't complain about going up there after hours.
When I came back in, everyone had eaten and scattered. After a while Robby left in the truck and knowing he was well lit, I asked Stacie about it. She said he had left going to visit with Bob. I let her and TA know that if he wasn't back by the time I took my shower I was going to drive by to see for sure he went to Bob's and if he weren't there then I was calling the law and putting a search out for the truck. After all, it is in my name. Rather than me go, they--Stacie, CJ and TA went. At first he wasn't at Bob's, but after they drove the block, he was there when they came back by. They stopped and of course told him why they were looking for him. Stacie said he ranted about me a while, then told TA he was a good mind to come home, pack his stuff and go live with Paula; said the only reason I let him move back out here was because of TA.
Lordy, Lordy--insecurities sticking out all over the place and I don't have the energy to even consider convincing him otherwise. TA came over after they came back from Bob's and we were talking about Robby's drinking. Soon he followed her, trying to find out if we were talking about him. She smoothed that one over and it was--sweetheart, would you like this, they don't have any sausage like you like? I got you some milk sweetie. I was coming but we were talking about groceries. I told Stacie she needed to get on her knees and thank God she didn't have a man she had to bend over backwards to please. I couldn't live like that--worried every minute that he was going to get mad about something. Robby has some serious issues going on and with his drinking increasing I feel that drugs will be right around the corner. I bet if I had tracked the times I have had these feelings--and I have written about them--I would find that my intuitions are always right on the money.
Stacie seems to be doing 100% better now that she's on Cymbalta. Even not losing her cool when she found out Ana had fooled her about Lizzie spending the night--simply telling Stacie Jackie wasn't coming after Lizzie rather than asking if Lizzie could spend the night.
I don't know about me--the meds the doc added have albuterol and they are truly messing with me. I feel jittery, but also depressed/sad/burdened ..........yeah, burdened is really the more appropriate word. I don't know what decisions to make and am really trying to put it in God's hands. I can't just close the nursery; I still have too much inventory. I can't sell it in this economy. I can't trust TA to take it over because if she gets up with washing clothes on her mind, then she would wash clothes rather than open the nursery; or if Robby were home she would put the kids in charge and stay right up under Robby. I don't think they can manage money well enough to run a business and I won't let them take over and leave everything in my name and their credit isn't good enough to put it in their name.
Dr. V said to stay as physically active as I can--and I will. That is just me, but he said if there was anything that hurt me to not do it; if being around the dust at the nursery affected my breathing then don't go to the nursery. So there is much on my mind these days--finances, children, grandchildren, health, church, life, death....
--
In three words I can sum up everything
I've learned about life:
It goes on.
--Robert Frost
When I closed at lunch and came home, I worked on a couple of flower beds, pulling the weeds. Stacie sent the kids down to help and we got several cleaned. I put the tobasco peppers on to cook a bit, and when they were ready Terry blended and strained them.
I fixed some supper and just as I sat down to eat the whole crew came in. Funny how they can smell it when it's done but seldom offer to help--again, the horse is more important. Damn that horse. Anyway, before I finished eating there was a knock on the door and a couple of ladies wanted to pay for the plants they had picked out. Now get this---the doors are locked, there is a large sign at the front door stating my hours and when I opened the door after 6 PM they asked--are you closed?? *rolls eyes*
Anyway, I didn't mind taking their money. Between them they bought about 150.00 worth of plants, so I couldn't complain about going up there after hours.
When I came back in, everyone had eaten and scattered. After a while Robby left in the truck and knowing he was well lit, I asked Stacie about it. She said he had left going to visit with Bob. I let her and TA know that if he wasn't back by the time I took my shower I was going to drive by to see for sure he went to Bob's and if he weren't there then I was calling the law and putting a search out for the truck. After all, it is in my name. Rather than me go, they--Stacie, CJ and TA went. At first he wasn't at Bob's, but after they drove the block, he was there when they came back by. They stopped and of course told him why they were looking for him. Stacie said he ranted about me a while, then told TA he was a good mind to come home, pack his stuff and go live with Paula; said the only reason I let him move back out here was because of TA.
Lordy, Lordy--insecurities sticking out all over the place and I don't have the energy to even consider convincing him otherwise. TA came over after they came back from Bob's and we were talking about Robby's drinking. Soon he followed her, trying to find out if we were talking about him. She smoothed that one over and it was--sweetheart, would you like this, they don't have any sausage like you like? I got you some milk sweetie. I was coming but we were talking about groceries. I told Stacie she needed to get on her knees and thank God she didn't have a man she had to bend over backwards to please. I couldn't live like that--worried every minute that he was going to get mad about something. Robby has some serious issues going on and with his drinking increasing I feel that drugs will be right around the corner. I bet if I had tracked the times I have had these feelings--and I have written about them--I would find that my intuitions are always right on the money.
Stacie seems to be doing 100% better now that she's on Cymbalta. Even not losing her cool when she found out Ana had fooled her about Lizzie spending the night--simply telling Stacie Jackie wasn't coming after Lizzie rather than asking if Lizzie could spend the night.
I don't know about me--the meds the doc added have albuterol and they are truly messing with me. I feel jittery, but also depressed/sad/burdened ..........yeah, burdened is really the more appropriate word. I don't know what decisions to make and am really trying to put it in God's hands. I can't just close the nursery; I still have too much inventory. I can't sell it in this economy. I can't trust TA to take it over because if she gets up with washing clothes on her mind, then she would wash clothes rather than open the nursery; or if Robby were home she would put the kids in charge and stay right up under Robby. I don't think they can manage money well enough to run a business and I won't let them take over and leave everything in my name and their credit isn't good enough to put it in their name.
Dr. V said to stay as physically active as I can--and I will. That is just me, but he said if there was anything that hurt me to not do it; if being around the dust at the nursery affected my breathing then don't go to the nursery. So there is much on my mind these days--finances, children, grandchildren, health, church, life, death....
--
In three words I can sum up everything
I've learned about life:
It goes on.
--Robert Frost
Thursday, July 28, 2011
WW3
Robby & "TA first weren't coming home last night. They text AnnaD to let her know this which of course upset her. They didn't bother to tell me, but Stacie did once she knew which was around 9 or after. AnnaD was very upset about this and I found out today that later on she called her mom and discovered that mom and Robby were sitting at Patrick's, her brother, along with Benny the other brother and their women and drinking and having a good time. This upset AnnaD and she got upset with mom again who said Robby was the one who didn't want to come home. So, for whatever reason, Robby and TA came in later last night.
This morning I woke to find the horse in my back yard. I sent them both a text, then noticed the truck on the other side of the shed so I went to the shed and told them in person. They both got up and put the horse in and started working on the pen. I went to work. Bob came over as he has every day for 2 weeks to use the phone. He has applied for food stamps and was approved and is trying to get in touch with the lady with SW Mississippi Opportunity to get help paying his utility bill. His phone is shut off so he comes to use mine. Normally he doesn't bother me but today, maybe because of Robby's behavior yesterday, I was on edge and truly thought if he didn't shut up and leave I would scream. Finally he left to go get ready to go see the woman since he couldn't reach her on the phone. Shortly afterward she called and so I had to run a message over to him. Of course he was locked up in the house and didn't hear me banging on the door, so I left his note in the truck. He found it when he started to town, came back by the store and called the lady. Then he sits down and slowly, detail by detail tells me that she said he could bring the paperwork by this morning since she would be there a while longer. Finally I asked him why he wasn't already on his way. LOL He left.
Then we get ready to leave and Stacie tells me that TA says, See she gets so upset over nothing--referring to me being upset because I didn't know they left the night before, i didn't know they weren't coming home and I was upset over a stupid horse in my yard. So I have Terry drive me up there and I tell her that--if she has a problem keeping me posted on her coming and going then 1. start paying rent and utilities and 2. don't leave your children with me; 3. if you think a horse in your back yard is no big issue then get your place and let him stomp around in your back yard. I also tell her that after today, I will not expect anyone to come help me because if I can't do it myself then it won't get done. I started this business and I will see it through to the end. With that I left.
So to the doctor--He has spoken to two specialists in the field of my particular disease. They say that 1. the same bacteria that is in my lungs is in my stomach and with acid reflux I keep giving it back to myself. Treat the acid reflux. This will help a lot
2. Open up the lungs so that I can cough up this stuff to help me remove it that way until such a time as funds are available to treat me IV wise. he got his list of the drug sensitivities and showed me that the ones I might could take are either inhaled or IV and both are super expensive. He wants a CT with contrast scan in November to compare the disease between last year and this year to know whether we need to become more agressive in treating it or not. He gave me a month's worth of my Spireva, another inhaler to take twice daily, a rescue inhaler for when I simply have no air and two meds to put into a nebulizer along with the mouthpiece and tubing for the nebulizer since I will be borrowing James's until I get one. The doctor is going to see if I am approved for a free one. His nurse will let me know. He says he will keep me in free meds and all I have to do is drive over and get them. He said to watch my weight, make sure I don't lose weight and keep a check on my temp to be sure I am not running low grade fever. I forgot to buy a new thermometer today but will get me one.
We stopped by Bed, Bath and Beyond since Terry had not ever been there. I got a new cutting board and a corner shelf for the shower. On the way to Columbia Robby called. he needed me to call Ana and have her unlock the door at Stacie's, seems Anna D had locked herself in at Stacie's and wouldn't come out. I talked to Anastasia and learned mom had told her to not open the door since she and CJ were at CJ's grandmas, so I told Anastasia to talk to Robby and explain that to him.
By the time we hit Walmart, Stacie and CJ were home, someone had called the law and they were on their way. We ran in WM and got what we needed right quick and as we hit Foxworth Robby called back with, "Well they law is coming and I will probably be arrested." I said, "I am sorry to hear that son." Well, he says, you don't act like you give a F'ing damn. I said, "Well son, I care, but there is nothing I can do. Nothing I have done for the past 3 days has pleased you and I don't know what has crawled up everybody's butt and died but they need to expel it, say they are sorry and move on." He agreed and hung up.
So the law was at Stacie's when we drove up, but they only talked to AnnaD and the rest of them, TA and Robby. TA had left scratches on AnnaD trying to force her to do something--I don't know what as I wasn't here, thankfully. After the law left I had them all come to the house and I told them that they all needed to chill out and get along. As they walked out, AnnaD and Robby got into an argument as well as her mom over the cell phone. They took her phone away, so AnnaD takes the simn card out and put it in another one. Kids!!!!!!!!!!!!! They all argued back and forth for probably an hour until finally I walked to the shed and TA let me talk with AnnaD who was cowering in the bathroom crying her eyes out.
Come to find out the child has been on.............Adderol for ADHD, Zoloft for depression, Wellbutrin for depression and Buspar ?? for nerves I guess. She has been on that combo for 3 weeks and apparently it isn't doing it's thing. TA says the girls needs all these meds. All her kids are medicated. James I can understand, but Anna D I can't. Anywho, to my knowledge everyone is calm and the hill is at peace for the moment.
I have taken a xanax and I am at peace. I may have to take them regularly for a while since the meds I was given today have albutriol in them and it makes me very nervous feeling and more of a witch than I am already.
I'm worried about the exact details of what I qualified for, will it include Medicaid? or no. Will Terry get on full time with the county? What will I do with the nursery. The doc told me today that he wanted me to as physically active as I could be. I told him that he needn't worry, I couldn't sit on my butt and do nothing. He said, good, but if being around the dusts at the greenhouse bothers you, don't do it. If anything bothers your breathing, do not do it.
Hon, I know you have thought I was upset with you at times. Never. I know our phones, or mine anyway has been a patooty.....but in spite of all that, the above stuff I have written, especially the paragraph about jobs, insurance, greenhouse have weighed heavily on my mind. Add to that the drama these 3 extra families can create plus the drama our church family can cause and I feel weighed down by it all. I am so tired of either saying, I don't feel well or lying and saying, oh, I am just fine. I want to be really fine. I want to feel good and not feel so frustrated and helpless because my mind says let's do this and my body says...you can't be serious you fool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So that was pretty much my day.
And how was yours? How is your back?
love you and thanks for reading if you made it this far.
Klara
--
In three words I can sum up everything
I've learned about life:
It goes on.
--Robert Frost
This morning I woke to find the horse in my back yard. I sent them both a text, then noticed the truck on the other side of the shed so I went to the shed and told them in person. They both got up and put the horse in and started working on the pen. I went to work. Bob came over as he has every day for 2 weeks to use the phone. He has applied for food stamps and was approved and is trying to get in touch with the lady with SW Mississippi Opportunity to get help paying his utility bill. His phone is shut off so he comes to use mine. Normally he doesn't bother me but today, maybe because of Robby's behavior yesterday, I was on edge and truly thought if he didn't shut up and leave I would scream. Finally he left to go get ready to go see the woman since he couldn't reach her on the phone. Shortly afterward she called and so I had to run a message over to him. Of course he was locked up in the house and didn't hear me banging on the door, so I left his note in the truck. He found it when he started to town, came back by the store and called the lady. Then he sits down and slowly, detail by detail tells me that she said he could bring the paperwork by this morning since she would be there a while longer. Finally I asked him why he wasn't already on his way. LOL He left.
Then we get ready to leave and Stacie tells me that TA says, See she gets so upset over nothing--referring to me being upset because I didn't know they left the night before, i didn't know they weren't coming home and I was upset over a stupid horse in my yard. So I have Terry drive me up there and I tell her that--if she has a problem keeping me posted on her coming and going then 1. start paying rent and utilities and 2. don't leave your children with me; 3. if you think a horse in your back yard is no big issue then get your place and let him stomp around in your back yard. I also tell her that after today, I will not expect anyone to come help me because if I can't do it myself then it won't get done. I started this business and I will see it through to the end. With that I left.
So to the doctor--He has spoken to two specialists in the field of my particular disease. They say that 1. the same bacteria that is in my lungs is in my stomach and with acid reflux I keep giving it back to myself. Treat the acid reflux. This will help a lot
2. Open up the lungs so that I can cough up this stuff to help me remove it that way until such a time as funds are available to treat me IV wise. he got his list of the drug sensitivities and showed me that the ones I might could take are either inhaled or IV and both are super expensive. He wants a CT with contrast scan in November to compare the disease between last year and this year to know whether we need to become more agressive in treating it or not. He gave me a month's worth of my Spireva, another inhaler to take twice daily, a rescue inhaler for when I simply have no air and two meds to put into a nebulizer along with the mouthpiece and tubing for the nebulizer since I will be borrowing James's until I get one. The doctor is going to see if I am approved for a free one. His nurse will let me know. He says he will keep me in free meds and all I have to do is drive over and get them. He said to watch my weight, make sure I don't lose weight and keep a check on my temp to be sure I am not running low grade fever. I forgot to buy a new thermometer today but will get me one.
We stopped by Bed, Bath and Beyond since Terry had not ever been there. I got a new cutting board and a corner shelf for the shower. On the way to Columbia Robby called. he needed me to call Ana and have her unlock the door at Stacie's, seems Anna D had locked herself in at Stacie's and wouldn't come out. I talked to Anastasia and learned mom had told her to not open the door since she and CJ were at CJ's grandmas, so I told Anastasia to talk to Robby and explain that to him.
By the time we hit Walmart, Stacie and CJ were home, someone had called the law and they were on their way. We ran in WM and got what we needed right quick and as we hit Foxworth Robby called back with, "Well they law is coming and I will probably be arrested." I said, "I am sorry to hear that son." Well, he says, you don't act like you give a F'ing damn. I said, "Well son, I care, but there is nothing I can do. Nothing I have done for the past 3 days has pleased you and I don't know what has crawled up everybody's butt and died but they need to expel it, say they are sorry and move on." He agreed and hung up.
So the law was at Stacie's when we drove up, but they only talked to AnnaD and the rest of them, TA and Robby. TA had left scratches on AnnaD trying to force her to do something--I don't know what as I wasn't here, thankfully. After the law left I had them all come to the house and I told them that they all needed to chill out and get along. As they walked out, AnnaD and Robby got into an argument as well as her mom over the cell phone. They took her phone away, so AnnaD takes the simn card out and put it in another one. Kids!!!!!!!!!!!!! They all argued back and forth for probably an hour until finally I walked to the shed and TA let me talk with AnnaD who was cowering in the bathroom crying her eyes out.
Come to find out the child has been on.............Adderol for ADHD, Zoloft for depression, Wellbutrin for depression and Buspar ?? for nerves I guess. She has been on that combo for 3 weeks and apparently it isn't doing it's thing. TA says the girls needs all these meds. All her kids are medicated. James I can understand, but Anna D I can't. Anywho, to my knowledge everyone is calm and the hill is at peace for the moment.
I have taken a xanax and I am at peace. I may have to take them regularly for a while since the meds I was given today have albutriol in them and it makes me very nervous feeling and more of a witch than I am already.
I'm worried about the exact details of what I qualified for, will it include Medicaid? or no. Will Terry get on full time with the county? What will I do with the nursery. The doc told me today that he wanted me to as physically active as I could be. I told him that he needn't worry, I couldn't sit on my butt and do nothing. He said, good, but if being around the dusts at the greenhouse bothers you, don't do it. If anything bothers your breathing, do not do it.
Hon, I know you have thought I was upset with you at times. Never. I know our phones, or mine anyway has been a patooty.....but in spite of all that, the above stuff I have written, especially the paragraph about jobs, insurance, greenhouse have weighed heavily on my mind. Add to that the drama these 3 extra families can create plus the drama our church family can cause and I feel weighed down by it all. I am so tired of either saying, I don't feel well or lying and saying, oh, I am just fine. I want to be really fine. I want to feel good and not feel so frustrated and helpless because my mind says let's do this and my body says...you can't be serious you fool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So that was pretty much my day.
And how was yours? How is your back?
love you and thanks for reading if you made it this far.
Klara
--
In three words I can sum up everything
I've learned about life:
It goes on.
--Robert Frost
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
H mmm are we upset or what?
-I criticize those around me and focus on their faults or bad behavior, the reason I criticize is usually because I had expectations of other types of behavior or actions or words.....in talking about their faults, criticizing them I find myself feeling somewhat sorry for myself because I HAVE to put up with such behavior; I thought they would do such and such, BUT look, I HAD to do it myself...yep, I'd say that put me in the victim role.
Prime example, maybe anyway--
My son and his woman, her 19 year old learning disabled son and 15 year old daughter live in my shed. They can't even pay their own electric bill, I pay it for her helping me at the nursery. Yet they can buy a horse for 200.00 which they have no pen for, instead they take nylon string and run it from tree to tree to form a pen of sorts. The horse will not stay behind the nylon string. She gets out, repeatedly.
I told them from the get go that any problems and the horse has to go. So today, after 4 days not counting today of the horse getting out I say, something has to be done about the horse.
My son calls from La. where he is helping his woman clean up her house to prepare it for rentors and screams at me that part of this land belongs to him--(not yet it doesn't) and I might as well sell the greenhouses and the land because he is so gone from here. All of this is said with GD's and MF's sprinkled throughout.
Hmm, I simply stated that I wouldn't be threatened or forced into doing anything nor spoken to that way and hung up on him. I want to feel a bit sorry for myself and should I focus on their irresponsible behavior of buying a horse when they can't afford a pot to piss in then I probably would. If I allow myself to think about how sic I am and how he only thinks of himself, then yes I would feel sorry for myself and put myself in the victim role. Instead I keep telling myself this is what addicts do, I have choices--I can set my boundaries and move forward with my own life or I can let his actions ruin my day. When I take the time to reason these things out, I sometimes find them amusing. I called him back to clarify what he said but he wouldn't speak to me. His woman acts as though she doesn't know what is going on..yeah, she is always up his butt. So, I just told her to pass along the message to my son that unless he could leave the cussing and ranting in La, he best go to bed when he came home because I wouldn't tolerate such behavior. I told her I loved them and got off the phone.
--
In three words I can sum up everything
I've learned about life:
It goes on.
--Robert Frost
Prime example, maybe anyway--
My son and his woman, her 19 year old learning disabled son and 15 year old daughter live in my shed. They can't even pay their own electric bill, I pay it for her helping me at the nursery. Yet they can buy a horse for 200.00 which they have no pen for, instead they take nylon string and run it from tree to tree to form a pen of sorts. The horse will not stay behind the nylon string. She gets out, repeatedly.
I told them from the get go that any problems and the horse has to go. So today, after 4 days not counting today of the horse getting out I say, something has to be done about the horse.
My son calls from La. where he is helping his woman clean up her house to prepare it for rentors and screams at me that part of this land belongs to him--(not yet it doesn't) and I might as well sell the greenhouses and the land because he is so gone from here. All of this is said with GD's and MF's sprinkled throughout.
Hmm, I simply stated that I wouldn't be threatened or forced into doing anything nor spoken to that way and hung up on him. I want to feel a bit sorry for myself and should I focus on their irresponsible behavior of buying a horse when they can't afford a pot to piss in then I probably would. If I allow myself to think about how sic I am and how he only thinks of himself, then yes I would feel sorry for myself and put myself in the victim role. Instead I keep telling myself this is what addicts do, I have choices--I can set my boundaries and move forward with my own life or I can let his actions ruin my day. When I take the time to reason these things out, I sometimes find them amusing. I called him back to clarify what he said but he wouldn't speak to me. His woman acts as though she doesn't know what is going on..yeah, she is always up his butt. So, I just told her to pass along the message to my son that unless he could leave the cussing and ranting in La, he best go to bed when he came home because I wouldn't tolerate such behavior. I told her I loved them and got off the phone.
--
In three words I can sum up everything
I've learned about life:
It goes on.
--Robert Frost
what a life
Laudy-mussy. Life is filled with crooks & turns and ups & downs.
We had a nice weekend at the coast visiting with Judy & Robert. Saturday we spent the day at the outlet mall, shopping, looking, talking and enjoying the day. Judy took us to Sicily's for pizza when we left the mall, then we came home. By now Stacie & CJ had made it down.
Sunday was busy preparing for Robert's 70th birthday party, after which we left coming home. Monday was a normal day--no help showed up. I suppose when they watch the nursery for a day or two then they are supposed to have a day off. Hahahaha, I've already put in a day's work by the time either of them get up here. Oh well, with my health I am praying and preparing for changes in the nursery business anyway. DIL talks constantly about IF she had this amount of money or that amount of money she would build/buy/whatever. Terry and I think she is hinting for us to build them a house, which isn't going to happen in my lifetime. Been there, done that, own the t-shirt and the financial scars to prove it.
Rather than throwing my usual fit and reminding TA once again that if she wants this business she needs to show me how much she wants it, I kept quiet, did my job, went home later than usual and put up peppers. Supposedly she had gathered okra and fiddled with the horse helping get her back in the makeshift pen..which is yet another story. Who buys a horse when they can't afford to buy/build/rent their own place to live? Only my son and his women. They honestly think they can keep a horse inside a nylon string pen? Come on people! Yet again Tuesday morning and this morning the horse is out again. I told them yesterday they had to do something with the horse. Of course they jumped right on that one!!!!!
As Terry left for work today he discovered the horse out, knocked on TA's door but got no response so came and told me about it. I went and opened the door, called and called and finally Anna D raised her head from the bed. I told her and she said ok. In a few minutes I went back and found her sound asleep. I woke her again and told her to either get up and put the horse in or I was shooting him. I asked where her mom was and was told they had gone to La last night, didn't I know? No, I knew they were going today, but not last night. I hate not knowing things. When I say something she will fling her hands and ramble on about forgetting and thinking she told me and blah, blah, blah. God help me!!!!
Yesterday evening Terry had an appointment for his year eye exam, which went great. As we sat there waiting for the doctor, who should walk in but Jack & Sherry. Jack is having problems with his eye and had gone to the ear/nose/throat doctor on Monday. He was no better so he came to the eye doctor. I do need to check and see what the doctor said. Anywho, of course I had to sit and listen to Sherry's ramblings while Terry say the eye doctor. At least she didn't get all fired up over anything.
My case worker for my disability called yesterday to ask me some questions. As we talked she says in a whisper--I got you back approved so I need to work up your case. Then she said, "did you hear me?" I said that heard I got you...so she repeated it. I thanked her very much and answered her questions. I am afraid to hope too much, to share too much just in case I misunderstood her. I figure I will know in a few days or hopefully I will.
We had a nice weekend at the coast visiting with Judy & Robert. Saturday we spent the day at the outlet mall, shopping, looking, talking and enjoying the day. Judy took us to Sicily's for pizza when we left the mall, then we came home. By now Stacie & CJ had made it down.
Sunday was busy preparing for Robert's 70th birthday party, after which we left coming home. Monday was a normal day--no help showed up. I suppose when they watch the nursery for a day or two then they are supposed to have a day off. Hahahaha, I've already put in a day's work by the time either of them get up here. Oh well, with my health I am praying and preparing for changes in the nursery business anyway. DIL talks constantly about IF she had this amount of money or that amount of money she would build/buy/whatever. Terry and I think she is hinting for us to build them a house, which isn't going to happen in my lifetime. Been there, done that, own the t-shirt and the financial scars to prove it.
Rather than throwing my usual fit and reminding TA once again that if she wants this business she needs to show me how much she wants it, I kept quiet, did my job, went home later than usual and put up peppers. Supposedly she had gathered okra and fiddled with the horse helping get her back in the makeshift pen..which is yet another story. Who buys a horse when they can't afford to buy/build/rent their own place to live? Only my son and his women. They honestly think they can keep a horse inside a nylon string pen? Come on people! Yet again Tuesday morning and this morning the horse is out again. I told them yesterday they had to do something with the horse. Of course they jumped right on that one!!!!!
As Terry left for work today he discovered the horse out, knocked on TA's door but got no response so came and told me about it. I went and opened the door, called and called and finally Anna D raised her head from the bed. I told her and she said ok. In a few minutes I went back and found her sound asleep. I woke her again and told her to either get up and put the horse in or I was shooting him. I asked where her mom was and was told they had gone to La last night, didn't I know? No, I knew they were going today, but not last night. I hate not knowing things. When I say something she will fling her hands and ramble on about forgetting and thinking she told me and blah, blah, blah. God help me!!!!
Yesterday evening Terry had an appointment for his year eye exam, which went great. As we sat there waiting for the doctor, who should walk in but Jack & Sherry. Jack is having problems with his eye and had gone to the ear/nose/throat doctor on Monday. He was no better so he came to the eye doctor. I do need to check and see what the doctor said. Anywho, of course I had to sit and listen to Sherry's ramblings while Terry say the eye doctor. At least she didn't get all fired up over anything.
My case worker for my disability called yesterday to ask me some questions. As we talked she says in a whisper--I got you back approved so I need to work up your case. Then she said, "did you hear me?" I said that heard I got you...so she repeated it. I thanked her very much and answered her questions. I am afraid to hope too much, to share too much just in case I misunderstood her. I figure I will know in a few days or hopefully I will.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
slips
I used to do better in the past, also. I have pondered the reasons for this of late.
For me the answer has been a combination of things which all boil down to missing meetings. Health issues, work, changes in home life and other obligations interfered in my regular routine of meetings. Soon it became a habit to not attend. Add to that the fact that our meeting--the closest/only one available to me-had become stagnant and it was easy to say to self, "I don't get a thing out of the meeting. I will stay home and can the tomatoes, I will go eat out, buy groceries and skip the meeting and get to bed early, after all I am tired; I have gone for 20+ years, I know all I need to know" and the list of excuses goes on and on.
The truth is that the health issues and the changes in my home life were the very reasons I should have continued to attend as long as I could crawl into that room. Illness will change your thinking, just as quickly and easily as living with alcoholism; changes in home life will definitely change ones thinking especially as drastically as mine changed--we went from 5 living on the hill (not all under 1 roof) to 12 living on the hill (again, not all under one roof) but still close, close, close and some days there is a head count of 15.
If ever a person needs a meeting it is during times of change, regardless of what that change is.
It didn't take me long to see that I needed to start taking care of me again--not just physically, but emotionally, so back to regular attendance at meetings I went. At the same time the meetings began to change, newcomers came and stayed, it wasn't just us old timers there....so again, I am back to working a program of recovery, focusing on me and what I need to change, why I need to change and how I can change.
Slogans and Steps are fore front in my mind during times of stress and moments of temptation to control an issue--hahaha---plenty of those when you want to micro-manage that many people!!!!!!!!!!!!! And of course I want to at times.........:D
So, yes, I used to do better and today I am once again doing better; one step at a time, one day at a time.
For me the answer has been a combination of things which all boil down to missing meetings. Health issues, work, changes in home life and other obligations interfered in my regular routine of meetings. Soon it became a habit to not attend. Add to that the fact that our meeting--the closest/only one available to me-had become stagnant and it was easy to say to self, "I don't get a thing out of the meeting. I will stay home and can the tomatoes, I will go eat out, buy groceries and skip the meeting and get to bed early, after all I am tired; I have gone for 20+ years, I know all I need to know" and the list of excuses goes on and on.
The truth is that the health issues and the changes in my home life were the very reasons I should have continued to attend as long as I could crawl into that room. Illness will change your thinking, just as quickly and easily as living with alcoholism; changes in home life will definitely change ones thinking especially as drastically as mine changed--we went from 5 living on the hill (not all under 1 roof) to 12 living on the hill (again, not all under one roof) but still close, close, close and some days there is a head count of 15.
If ever a person needs a meeting it is during times of change, regardless of what that change is.
It didn't take me long to see that I needed to start taking care of me again--not just physically, but emotionally, so back to regular attendance at meetings I went. At the same time the meetings began to change, newcomers came and stayed, it wasn't just us old timers there....so again, I am back to working a program of recovery, focusing on me and what I need to change, why I need to change and how I can change.
Slogans and Steps are fore front in my mind during times of stress and moments of temptation to control an issue--hahaha---plenty of those when you want to micro-manage that many people!!!!!!!!!!!!! And of course I want to at times.........:D
So, yes, I used to do better and today I am once again doing better; one step at a time, one day at a time.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
day of rest
I don't plan to work hard at all today. I am so tired. Friday was spent gathering up information for Disability and a visit to the Herbalist in town. When I came in Friday evening I learned that TA's son was bringing a woman home with him, a woman who isn't his wife. Terry and I handled that quite well, apologies were made to me for not informing me, although last night as we sat on the porch excuses were made as to why they chose to not tell me at all.
Yesterday I watered at work, dug through some deeds and found what I think might be an error, thanks to the Medicaid/Disability worker; then came home and put up 30 pints of salsa, 7 quarts of tomatoes, and 10 jars of juice while Terry put up 15 pints of figs. The kids cooked, I ate, showered and collapsed in bed. I do believe I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.
Yesterday I watered at work, dug through some deeds and found what I think might be an error, thanks to the Medicaid/Disability worker; then came home and put up 30 pints of salsa, 7 quarts of tomatoes, and 10 jars of juice while Terry put up 15 pints of figs. The kids cooked, I ate, showered and collapsed in bed. I do believe I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.
Friday, July 8, 2011
witch doctors, herbs and government
Quite a combo there-!!!
I went to the naturopathic/herbalist in town today concerning my breathing. I've gone to her before years ago and have always like her. She checked me out, we talked for 2 hours, she made some dietary and herbal recommendations and at the end of the session I shared a bit with her concerning Shandi.
As we talked she asked me where the dad was, I told her. Then she asked his name and I told her. Then she said...God has spoken--seems that Roy came into her life a few days ago via her son and here I am talking to her about Shan.
Then I take all my paperwork to Medicaid. After I got home, my case worker called and I need to find the copy of a deed that I pay taxes on...so far, no go. She also is having me get a paper signed proving that I only work part time at the church.
God is so good to me.
I am off to check out some naturopathic news and learn more about this.
I went to the naturopathic/herbalist in town today concerning my breathing. I've gone to her before years ago and have always like her. She checked me out, we talked for 2 hours, she made some dietary and herbal recommendations and at the end of the session I shared a bit with her concerning Shandi.
As we talked she asked me where the dad was, I told her. Then she asked his name and I told her. Then she said...God has spoken--seems that Roy came into her life a few days ago via her son and here I am talking to her about Shan.
Then I take all my paperwork to Medicaid. After I got home, my case worker called and I need to find the copy of a deed that I pay taxes on...so far, no go. She also is having me get a paper signed proving that I only work part time at the church.
God is so good to me.
I am off to check out some naturopathic news and learn more about this.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
addiction-disease or not
Written in response to a person who can't understand addiction as a disease:
I don't believe the alcoholic chooses to be an alcoholic..yes they choose to pick up the first drink; but they do NOT choose what that drink does to them. They do not choose to become dependant upon the drink, but it happens.
I didn't choose to become dependant upon nicotine...but from the first cigarrette I smoked, I was and I smoked for over 40 years before I finally stopped. I tried countless times, many ways, and various aids to stop smoking--but the overwhelming desire to smoke always won over my common sense, my desire to not kill myself, my wish to not stink of smoke all the time. It was only when I almost died from pneumonia and COPD complications along with other lung issues did I quit. Still today, 9 months later, there are moments when mentally I think about smoking. I don't physically crave a cigarrette, but mentally I think about smoking.
Addiction, be it drink, drugs, cigs, food, shopping, gambling..what ever the addiction is not just a physical craving; it's a mental and spiritual/emotional disorder. It isn't something that strength alone can conquer. If it were there would be many who would help themselves. I have heard it explained as a dis-ease; IOW, the addicted person is not at ease with their self, therefore they drink or use.
I used to feel the same way you do about addiction as a disease; until I seriously began to battle the smoking addiction. There is truly a bottom one must reach before finding the means to quit whatever their addiction might be. I will be honest with you--if I could still breathe and smoke, I would still be smoking, and I consider myself to be a very strong individual. Today, I am glad I no long smoke, but without my bottom, without my health issues, without my program I would not be smoke free these 9 months.
Google it; even the medical profession consider it a disease. Fight against it all you want; use it as a reason to not focus on yourself; blame the person for having this addiction, see them as weak for not being able to control their drinking,....you are the only person you are hurting.
I don't believe the alcoholic chooses to be an alcoholic..yes they choose to pick up the first drink; but they do NOT choose what that drink does to them. They do not choose to become dependant upon the drink, but it happens.
I didn't choose to become dependant upon nicotine...but from the first cigarrette I smoked, I was and I smoked for over 40 years before I finally stopped. I tried countless times, many ways, and various aids to stop smoking--but the overwhelming desire to smoke always won over my common sense, my desire to not kill myself, my wish to not stink of smoke all the time. It was only when I almost died from pneumonia and COPD complications along with other lung issues did I quit. Still today, 9 months later, there are moments when mentally I think about smoking. I don't physically crave a cigarrette, but mentally I think about smoking.
Addiction, be it drink, drugs, cigs, food, shopping, gambling..what ever the addiction is not just a physical craving; it's a mental and spiritual/emotional disorder. It isn't something that strength alone can conquer. If it were there would be many who would help themselves. I have heard it explained as a dis-ease; IOW, the addicted person is not at ease with their self, therefore they drink or use.
I used to feel the same way you do about addiction as a disease; until I seriously began to battle the smoking addiction. There is truly a bottom one must reach before finding the means to quit whatever their addiction might be. I will be honest with you--if I could still breathe and smoke, I would still be smoking, and I consider myself to be a very strong individual. Today, I am glad I no long smoke, but without my bottom, without my health issues, without my program I would not be smoke free these 9 months.
Google it; even the medical profession consider it a disease. Fight against it all you want; use it as a reason to not focus on yourself; blame the person for having this addiction, see them as weak for not being able to control their drinking,....you are the only person you are hurting.
Life
I have decided that ups & downs are normal for me. I used to get all happy and excited over specific things--a trip away from home, a new piece of furniture, a new anything...yadda, yadda, yadda. Now I have come to the conclusion that life is simply that--LIFE--ups, downs, good, bad, pretty, ugly, happy, sad--nothing stays the same, and the best I can do is go with the flow.
I don't fret over the mood swings too much until or unless they become severe. Even the things that might would bring up my mood are short lived in themselves. Once the euphoria of the shopping, the food, the decorating, the project, etc, etc is finished, over, the mood drops again. It's sort of like a drug addict/alcoholic--one drink does it for a while, then it takes 2, then 3 and so on....:)
Wow, I sound pretty pessimistic this morning...can pessimism be pretty? LOL
I am not pessimistic. I am just being realistic. I think.
I just don't feel well. I think I am over worked or maybe have a bit of bronchial stuff going on since I am sore in my lung area; maybe I am just discouraged over the doctor's diagnosis/decision and having to deal with disability and medicaid and all the governmental beauracracy (crap can't spell that word this morning)...but I have put up a sign at work that says--July-Sept open 8 AM to 12 PM. Will close in the afternoon due to excessive heat. If you need to buy anything between 12 & 5 call >>>>>>>>>and I put the house number.
It was wonderful yesterday to spend time in the house cleaning a bit, then I went to the church and got all the financial statement done. Whoo hooo
I don't fret over the mood swings too much until or unless they become severe. Even the things that might would bring up my mood are short lived in themselves. Once the euphoria of the shopping, the food, the decorating, the project, etc, etc is finished, over, the mood drops again. It's sort of like a drug addict/alcoholic--one drink does it for a while, then it takes 2, then 3 and so on....:)
Wow, I sound pretty pessimistic this morning...can pessimism be pretty? LOL
I am not pessimistic. I am just being realistic. I think.
I just don't feel well. I think I am over worked or maybe have a bit of bronchial stuff going on since I am sore in my lung area; maybe I am just discouraged over the doctor's diagnosis/decision and having to deal with disability and medicaid and all the governmental beauracracy (crap can't spell that word this morning)...but I have put up a sign at work that says--July-Sept open 8 AM to 12 PM. Will close in the afternoon due to excessive heat. If you need to buy anything between 12 & 5 call >>>>>>>>>and I put the house number.
It was wonderful yesterday to spend time in the house cleaning a bit, then I went to the church and got all the financial statement done. Whoo hooo
Friday, July 1, 2011
Thurs & Friday
TA and James did well at the McComb Farmer's Market. AnnaD had a blast flirting with the young man in the booth next to her. She was all excited about the day. TA brought home cucumbers and I put up 6 quarts of pickle relish and hope to put up little sweet gherkins tonight.
Judy and Robert come today. TA and Stacie left going to take TA to get the bones cut out of her gums so she can get her dentures.
CJ, Casey, Dillon and James went with CJ to the dentist. Hopefully Terry gets off work early today.
I have sage drying on the dehydrator as well as some cayenne. I want to put some mixed peppers on to dry and make a pepper blend.
Judy and Robert come today. TA and Stacie left going to take TA to get the bones cut out of her gums so she can get her dentures.
CJ, Casey, Dillon and James went with CJ to the dentist. Hopefully Terry gets off work early today.
I have sage drying on the dehydrator as well as some cayenne. I want to put some mixed peppers on to dry and make a pepper blend.
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