Following my 'uncalled for' fit of Thursday, tension has run high here on the hill. I am a stubborn old coot and sometimes will literally cut off my own nose to spite my face. I wasn't giving an inch on this one. I didn't want their help since I was having to gripe, complain, plead and ask for it. No one showed up to work on Friday--the whole day was spent with the horse; no one showed up to help today--the day was spent with the horse.
When I closed at lunch and came home, I worked on a couple of flower beds, pulling the weeds. Stacie sent the kids down to help and we got several cleaned. I put the tobasco peppers on to cook a bit, and when they were ready Terry blended and strained them.
I fixed some supper and just as I sat down to eat the whole crew came in. Funny how they can smell it when it's done but seldom offer to help--again, the horse is more important. Damn that horse. Anyway, before I finished eating there was a knock on the door and a couple of ladies wanted to pay for the plants they had picked out. Now get this---the doors are locked, there is a large sign at the front door stating my hours and when I opened the door after 6 PM they asked--are you closed?? *rolls eyes*
Anyway, I didn't mind taking their money. Between them they bought about 150.00 worth of plants, so I couldn't complain about going up there after hours.
When I came back in, everyone had eaten and scattered. After a while Robby left in the truck and knowing he was well lit, I asked Stacie about it. She said he had left going to visit with Bob. I let her and TA know that if he wasn't back by the time I took my shower I was going to drive by to see for sure he went to Bob's and if he weren't there then I was calling the law and putting a search out for the truck. After all, it is in my name. Rather than me go, they--Stacie, CJ and TA went. At first he wasn't at Bob's, but after they drove the block, he was there when they came back by. They stopped and of course told him why they were looking for him. Stacie said he ranted about me a while, then told TA he was a good mind to come home, pack his stuff and go live with Paula; said the only reason I let him move back out here was because of TA.
Lordy, Lordy--insecurities sticking out all over the place and I don't have the energy to even consider convincing him otherwise. TA came over after they came back from Bob's and we were talking about Robby's drinking. Soon he followed her, trying to find out if we were talking about him. She smoothed that one over and it was--sweetheart, would you like this, they don't have any sausage like you like? I got you some milk sweetie. I was coming but we were talking about groceries. I told Stacie she needed to get on her knees and thank God she didn't have a man she had to bend over backwards to please. I couldn't live like that--worried every minute that he was going to get mad about something. Robby has some serious issues going on and with his drinking increasing I feel that drugs will be right around the corner. I bet if I had tracked the times I have had these feelings--and I have written about them--I would find that my intuitions are always right on the money.
Stacie seems to be doing 100% better now that she's on Cymbalta. Even not losing her cool when she found out Ana had fooled her about Lizzie spending the night--simply telling Stacie Jackie wasn't coming after Lizzie rather than asking if Lizzie could spend the night.
I don't know about me--the meds the doc added have albuterol and they are truly messing with me. I feel jittery, but also depressed/sad/burdened ..........yeah, burdened is really the more appropriate word. I don't know what decisions to make and am really trying to put it in God's hands. I can't just close the nursery; I still have too much inventory. I can't sell it in this economy. I can't trust TA to take it over because if she gets up with washing clothes on her mind, then she would wash clothes rather than open the nursery; or if Robby were home she would put the kids in charge and stay right up under Robby. I don't think they can manage money well enough to run a business and I won't let them take over and leave everything in my name and their credit isn't good enough to put it in their name.
Dr. V said to stay as physically active as I can--and I will. That is just me, but he said if there was anything that hurt me to not do it; if being around the dust at the nursery affected my breathing then don't go to the nursery. So there is much on my mind these days--finances, children, grandchildren, health, church, life, death....
--
In three words I can sum up everything
I've learned about life:
It goes on.
--Robert Frost
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