When can one look back and say precisely when the chaos started, what was the initiating factor that caused the pyramid to begin to crumble. Maybe it isn't possible to do this.
I get busy with living life and forget to pay attention to the small details; small details that, at the time of event, don't seem so important. Yet down the road I begin to see that maybe that one event was the beginning of the war.
Wednesday tension was high. At the moment, I don't even remember what subject had certain people in an uproar, other than me and my crazies. Ever since being diagnosed with this bacteria, facing the reality of what is happening to my body, knowing I will have to give up the nursery business before many moons rise and set, plus some of the meds I am on, I have become a hard person to get along with, or so I think.
On the other hand, when I do share a few incidents with someone else, I am assured that I am not the outlaw here, I am not being treated right. I know I've stayed in a semi state of unrest and dissatisfaction for a number of months. TA came here assuring us all that she wanted to help in the nursery, wanted to learn how to run it, would do this and that and half a dozen other things. Truth is, yes she likes to help in the nursery. When it's convenient for her. The rest of the time she wants to be washing clothes, tending the horse, riding the roads when she has money until it's all gone. Yes, she works around here. She is constantly doing something--washing clothes, cleaning their pad, and during garden season, putting up veggies. All on her time schedule.
So tension has run high. But on Wednesday evening she walks in while I'm cooking supper and begins to tell us (Stacie, CJ and I) about how Robby jumped all over her Tuesday night, saying ugly, hurtful things to her, yadda, yadda, yadda--the same old, 'he got drunk' tale of woe. We emphathized, listened, shared a few things we'd learn, then I got ready for church and left. I felt that things were back on a more even keel with TA and I given she had mentioned she knew she needed to be up there helping me but with all this with Robby she just couldn't think straight.
Thursday they left going to La for doctor appointments. I worked alone, watering in the heat until noon, then shut the store as I've been doing since the heat got so bad. Later that evening Stacie asked if I knew Patrick was coming to which I replied in the negative. Later on around 6ish, Robby text to say Pat was coming to which I replied, About time ya'll told me. :) Rather than him answering, he either hands phone to TA or gets her phone and texted back saying they let me know as soon as they knew. I responded that both TA and AnnaD had been heard to say he was coming, but don't sweat it, supper is fixed if you're hungry when you get here.
Sure nuff' they come in, fix a plate and take it back to their pad, never even saying much to me. Of course they never came over to help clean up the kitchen either and they saw me working on the church financial report. Oh well, nothing new.
Stacie and CJ left after supper heading to Texas to get BJ, CJ's husband and I had all 4 kids. So I got them settled, did my work, washed the dishes and went to bed. Friday (today) I get up and go to work as usual. Around 8 Stacie, CJ and BJ come in, stop by a minute then head home for a bit. A short while later Stacie comes back pissed to high heaven about Robby and TA. For the life of me I can't remember what they were arguing over other than some money TA was supposed to have paid Stacie back, but they brought the argument to the store with Robby being short and ugly with me. I managed to quietly tell him how I felt about the supper incident and to let him know that I was done with TA.
It was funny that in less than an hour TA came wandering up and planted up some rose cuttings she had rooted but didn't offer to do anything else toward helping me. Of course the watering was done. Stacie and the girls had helped me, but it would have been nice had she offered.
Anywho, it gets 12 and I close and head to the house with Stacie who wants a witness when she asks TA why Anastasia can't go fishing with Robby and TA. So we find TA and Stacie asks--Why can't Ana go fishing with all? Why did you tell her she couldn't go? TA says, "I don't care who goes". Stacie asks her again to which TA answers the same way so I ask, "Did you tell Ana she couldn't go fishing." TA says, "I was only repeating what Robby told to me to say."
Robby had come up and he told Stacie he said no because he didn't have enough life vest. Stacie told him she would remember that and walked away. I know she was hurt because she had took AnnaD and James to the river every time she took her kids and CJ's kids. Robby nor TA ever offered money to help get in either, they just sent their kids and never thought about it.
Lots of other things were said that were hurtful but such is life when so many people live so close together.
I left and went to see my doctor. I talked with him about 30 minutes about all the stuff that's going on; the effects the medicine is having on me; accepting my inability to do what I used to do, the kids and their lack of working with me, fear of the future and income. He is trying me on some Celexia to see if I can take it to help take the edge off during the day since I told him I just wanted to slap the snot out of everyone who didn't act right. Loud noises make me want to just scream and I do believe if I could get somewhere and had the breath to scream to the top of my lungs, I would feel better.
So I come home and Stacie and CJ have cooked supper, pork loin, potato salad and baked beans. It was sooo good. While we were waiting on it to cook, AnnaD comes in and says the women aren't going fishing because the horse is in heat and someone has to stay and watch her. I asked if they were going to camp out down by her pen.........in fact she had gotten out today and wandered down to the neighbors to visit with the male horse he has. Just what I need, another horse. Damn.
A while later TA texts to say she, AnnaD and James aren't going fishing, instead they are going to McComb. She is taking the kids to the bowling alley and will drop them off and go back and get them. I asked what about the horse and was told that she was coming back to check on the horse then go back and the kids--a trip of 100 miles. I was a bit smart aleck with her and said--ok, good you have plenty of money to buy all that gas to which she said she was going to go to walmart but because of the horse she didn't want to cause a problem. I told her to do whatever she wanted the horse would do whatever she wanted to do and she, TA, could deal with it when she got back.
When I left going to the church I stopped in to let them know where I was going. She was just sitting in her office chair and AnnaD was laying on the couch. When I got back around 8 they were gone.
It's times like these when I have to tie a knot and hang on. I know this too shall pass. I know I am being unreasonable at times. I also know I am not being treated fairly at times. I know Stacie has been hurt by TA and Robby and Stacie, much like her mother, has a hard time not allowing the hurt to turn to anger. It's a new experience for her and she is stumbling through this part of recovery, but at least she is trying. I know that if we all don't kill each other first, we should all grow through this and become closer, stronger and better people. I know that this could all work in my favor, but I also feel like I am being used like a dish rag in a kitchen full of busy cooks. I also know I can feel mighty sorry for myself and self pity is something I cannot afford to give into.
--
In three words I can sum up everything
I've learned about life:
It goes on.
--Robert Frost
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