Letting Go

As I sit here this morning I have to smile at how life certainly is never the same. There are always surprises, changes, problems, victories, losses. To me, it is what makes life--well, life.

The girls spent the weekend with their dad on the coast where he lives. The came home yesterday evening-him dragging in 2 kids that belong to the new woman he is talking to at the time. There are always some other woman's kids hanging on, draining him, taking his attention. But I digress.

The girls informed me they wanted to go live with dad. Dad says he simply wants everyone to be on the same page with this. As a non-custodial person in the mix, I don't legally have a say, but I told them that if that was what they wanted, I was all for it--however, when they left, Dad would be responsible for Ana's phone bill which I now pay. I also told them that barring some legitimate disaster, they would not move down there, then a month or so later get all upset with dad and move bck. We would not start the yo-yo effect with living arrangements. Of course they agree.

Mom, however, initially did not. Her first thoughts were no child support, therefore she couldn't pay her bills. Heck, she only gets child support about 5 months out of a year now. She feared she would lose her Medicaid insurance. I believe it is income based not number of children based and without child support,she has no income. She stated she would get on her bike and drive away if this happens because she would not ask her dad and I to help her. Excuse me, who helps her now?

She could clean out the little shed apartment and move in there. If she wanted internet, she'd have to either come over here or pay for it there as even a strong router won't quite reach the shed not for good connection. The tv box could be moved out there so she would have TV and she'd have to be conservative with electric use, but otherwise she could make it especially if she found her some little job or miracle of miracles--was finally approved for disability. I'd prefer she go to work. I know she could find something even with all her problems; after all, I did.

But that is just me.

I talked with the girls this morning. I assured them I wanted what was best for them, but I reminded them of the problems that would--not might--but WOULD arise with their father. Job loss is inevitable. It's a given with him. No job will mean no phone for them while he continues to hang onto his. No job means he gets irritable and loses his temper quickly and this, my friends, is NOT a pretty sight. They have never seen that side of him. They will be totally dependant on him for medical insurance and doctor and dental visits and he is not a very responsible person. There just are a lot of things he will not see to in a timely fashion which they have no clue about.

On the other hand--learning all these things first hand may be one of the best life lessons they can learn.

So for now, with that being said--I am truly working on Letting Go and Letting God.

--

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

'Maya Angelou'

Stacie missing-oops-in jail

Tuesday, May 27, 2014 Stacie left around 4-4:30 following Bruce Harrington going to the lake in Marion County. 

By Friday she hadn't shown up at home so I got Bruce's number from Chantel and called him-he claimed he and Stacie both left the lake at the same time, Stacie headed home, he headed where ever he heads.

Called local Sheriff's office. Billy Wayne came up. As I gave him info, phone rang. Number was from Marion-Walthall correctional facility. Lady said she worked there, and if they knew she called she would lose her job, but Stacie was in jail and hadn't been given her phone call yet.

I got off phone, Billy Wayne left, I called same facility to be told no, there was no Stacie on the docket.

Talked with Bruce Boyd (not the Bruce of Stacie saga). He will see what he can find out at local SD.

Bruce came by, verified she is in jail. Bradly M called and said she was in on possession of drugs. Was picked up the 28th by Columbia Police Dept. Sumrall has a hold on her also.

Called Roy. May have problems with custody of kids.

Lord Help me.

--

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

'Maya Angelou'

me generation

Morning.

Church yesterday was quite the experience. Arrived in a rain storm, was presented with 3 months of the pastor's retirement forms he had failed to get to me after finally getting him an account set up with them! Took care of that.

Then we discovered we had ran out of gas. Probably Terry's fault for not checking the tank since he's the deacon of the month. Oh well. Stuff happens. The whole church smelled awful of gas which wasn't helping my breathing issues.

Cleared up a question I had on a deposit. Nope, wasn't my adding this time. :D

Sunday School went off without a hitch, but right after the preacher began preaching the lights went off...thankfully for only a few moments.

This morning when Terry went to leave he said that CJ must have gone back to the motel with her bf, which is where we were told she was most of the week. Guess she was using that SSI check she gets wisely. (sarcasm used here) As Terry left, I asked Shandi if CJ went home last night and she sighs and says..."No, her and my mama left late last night and only told me they were going to a friends. My mama wouldn't tell me what friend they were going to see. "

I let her know how sorry I was that she was alone and asked why she didn't come spend the night with me. Her reply was that it was lightening and dark and she didn't have a flashlight. She probably didn't have a phone to call me either because I would have gone to get her. I will talk to her daddy about getting her a simple phone, easy for her to text and talk on so she will have a means of getting hold of me. She said her mom leaving left her without an alarm and the little free phone she has doesn't have an alarm.

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

Done!

That Christmas gathering of my side of the family; only this year it was minus that good for nothing brother of mine and plus that silly boy my 17 year old niece married.

OMG!!! First of all, the daddy (bil) smokes. He must smoke one behind the other at home and he must not bathe but once a month and this wasn't the time of the month for a bath because I almost gagged from the smoke when they first came in. Of course it's on everyone's clothes because everyone lives in the house and it is a tiny house.

Then later, I almost gagged because over the stinky smoke smell was the *I DON"T REMEMBER WHEN I BATHED* smell...talk about an appetite killer. Have I said, OMG???

Then we have to consider the majority of the crew are a few nuts short of full acorn tree; so we have talk of farting, stinking up the bathroom, rolling over on people and smushing them in their sleep and calling each other fat butt and whatever else crosses their mind. **sigh** and ***sigh again***

then there is sister who grins through it all. What else can she do? She works her butt off at Walmart decorating cakes and they sit around home and do nothing as far as I can see but stink up the place. *sigh* 

And then there is smart Holly who has a brilliant mind, a talent for drawing and a quick wit--Holly isn't bad to be around. She just talks 100 MPH and often with some accent that makes her very hard to understand.

I prayed hard they would hurry and leave. This began at the end of the first hour. By then the odor had penetrated the very crevices of my home, had taken up residence in my nose. After all, it was 5 PM...make that an hour an a half after arrival--they were supposed to be here at 4, they arrived at 3:30. I prayed from then until almost 6 before they finally stopped dissing each other, stuffing cheese and chocolate treats in their mouth, stinking up my toilet and otherwise making a nuisance of themselves.

I swear, when the word redneck hillbilly was invented there was a picture of these right there by it!!!

Please don't get me wrong. I love my sister. While she has her faults--baby talking all the time, never really listening to another's side of the story, still I look at her and wonder how we can be related. In fact I have pondered if we really are full blood relatives. And that man she married just dropped in from somewhere in the back woods.

*again I say, sigh*

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

somewhere in between

Tuesday, December 3rd wasn't one of those *worst* days of my life. It wasn't one of those *best* days of my life. It was simply one of those days where you simply wanted to go home and take a pill or fix something stronger than a glass of water-IF you had those tendencies. :D

Noticed I had about 8 more days left on my hormones. Checked pharmacy website and no, the new prescript the NP had written 2 weeks prior was NOT there. Called the pharmacy, they said they could check with the doctor..all of this was on Monday. Tuesday, still no hormone prescript at the pharmacy. True, I still have 7 days, but this hormone takes a day or two for insurance to approve so time is important. Called the pharmacy they said to call the doctor's office. Called the doc's office and finally the receptionist said I had to come in and pick up the script.

I knew this. I told the NP this but NO, he knew more than me and said it wasn't necessary. So I drive to town, pick up my script and while there I go by the bank to close out 3 little accounts that had been started for grands and their parents wouldn't contribute. My plans were to give my 2 girls here their money and I had already given the neice her's for her wedding. Well, come to find out the bank had sucked up all but Ana's in fees and hadn't bothered to send out a letter. She said it was in the FINE print. yeah right!!! 

On to the town my scripts are filled in and I, thinking that since this script has to picked up in person then I need to take it straight to the pharmacy. NO, they don't want responsibility for it until it can be filled and that won't be until the 10th at which time I won't have any left....so look out world!!!!

Then I decided to stop in Walmart and pick up a few things for candy making and crafting and remembered Terry needed multi-vitamins; so I pick him up some, got some other things, but forgot the dipping chocolate and when I got home and unloaded everything I noticed that the vitamins I got Terry were WOMEN"s...so guess what peeps--he is gonna take them till they run out. Maybe he won't grow boobs...roflmo. It says it's good for metabolism so maybe it will rev his up and he will lose a pound, suppose?

*sigh*

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

Thanks for all the positives I have

Thanksgiving has come and gone. While I am thankful that I have beautiful, loving grand-daughters and a son who cares, along with inlaws; there are quite a few things I find it difficult to be thankful for ...even though I know I learn and grow from these hardships.

Shandi, my younger grand from my daughter spent all of Thanksgiving holiday with me. It was super cold for one thing and her mother doesn't make a lot of effort to keep a warm spot for the child. The folks from the coast were up and she enjoys spending time with them and playing cards and mama was being ---well, mama. Mama chooses to not come around when Judy and Robert are up because she doesn't like the way they talk about her tatoos and her lifestyle.

So, while daughter helped make her dad's birthday German chocolate cake on Tuesday, and came back and ate stew with us that night; we haven't seen her since. Shandi helped me clean the shed so she would have a private place of her own and she stayed there until Sunday. Sunday she spent some time with mom and whatever was said convinced Shandi to go back up there with her mom.

This evening Ana was asking her mom for some clothes that her friend Casey had sent back by her mom today. Daughter refuses to send them by Shandi and Ana's dad tells her to not be going up to her mom's house...there is a reason for that too. Mom, her friend CJ and their bf, Bruce will party hard (if you get my drift) in daughter's room and Shandi can hear them. When they aren't doing the 3-some, it's CJ and Bruce or when Daughter is angry with CJ it is her and Bruce. Quite an example to be setting for her youngest child.

So, Ana asks her mom for the clothes. Stacie replies that it isn't CJ's place to keep Ana's stuff and she can come get it if she wants it. And replies that CJ is the one who got her stuff, so she should know where it is and adds that she (Ana) wants nothing to do with her mom. Mom then asks for her Buffy tapes back and Ana says when she is done with them at which mom pops back with *finished tearing them up you mean*. Anytime something breaks or is missing, Ana did it.

Shandi goes up to her house and looks for Ana's clothes. Eventually she comes back crying and says that she wishes mom would stop saying that Ana doesn't love her and that their dad is trying to get her (Shandi) to not love her mom. 

Oh, the crap daughter lays on these kids--ya'll don't love me. Your dad is trying to take ya'll from me. I am mad at your paw and I won't go back down there ever. (She is mad because Paw ran their boyfriend off)

I so wish I had the answer to ease the pain they both (grands) must be feeling. Having had a mentally sick mother I am somewhat familiar with what they go through. God please help me to be the person I need to be for them.

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

grins and giggles

Yesterday the two girls were having a heated argument...Ana gave Shandi back a pair of shoes she had borrowed and when Shan asked why, Ana replied "They are too wide for my foot". Shandi immediate replied with "So you are saying I have a fat foot?" And from there the words flew. I was in the living room taking care of winterizing the window and as I listened to them I found myself grinning. The absurdity of their argument; the truth that each had a valid point; the knowledge that even as an adult I had argued just as ridiculously all gave me reason to actually laugh out loud.

They got on the bus still huffy and angry with each other. I remember when I would have tried to fix the problem before they got on the bus. I remember when I would have stressed all day over how their day went and what kind of trouble did they get into on the bus. This day, as they left for the bus, I sent up a quick prayer and immediately forgot about the argument. When they came in from school it was as though the argument had never happened.

Today, Stacie and I went to town to buy groceries. I had to take Ana to the doc on the way as she was sick with a sinus infection. Before making it to Walmart we went to McDonalds for a burger. While we ate, Ana's dad called and after he and I talked, he talked with Ana some and as they got off the phone we heard her say, I love you too, dad. There followed a long period of stress where Stacie tried to force Ana to say I love you to her by guilting and anger...none of which worked and surprisingly none of which disturbed my serenity. I did tell them both that we were in public and they could act accordingly, then I changed the subject.

I am so thankful that God is moving me toward not taking everything so seriously, that I am seeing how so much in my life simply isn't that important and how just remaining cool, calm and collected usually saves the day, so to speak. Maybe I am just too old to let these things bug me. Maybe I realize how short my time on this earth really is. Maybe I realize that God really is in control and it's ok if I let go...maybe all the above apply. 

It is good whatever it is.

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

another wild weekend

Well, well, well--Friday, October 11 I was scheduled to have an MRI of the brain--If they could find it. *hahahahaha* On Thursday I asked Stacie if she would like to go. She says if she wakes up in time, in fact, she says she might not have ever gone to sleep by 5:30 in the morning, which was the time I wanted to leave as I had to be there at 7 and it was to be foggy. I told her to simply not come if she hadn't slept any because I didn't need her to go and sleep on the way over and while there and on the way home. Sooooo, when I drove out of the drive on Friday morning and looked up toward her house there was no light at all on, so I went alone.

Saturday rolled around and I began to realize I hadn't noticed Stacie's bike under the shed. I questioned Ana who said she didn't think her mom had been home since Friday. Sunday Shandi walks in around 8:30 to ask if we know where her mom is. She said her mom had not left her a note or anything, just the dog's food outside her bedroom and the bedroom door locked. I woke Ana to ask if she had heard from mom and she said yes, mom had replied the world NO to a text message Ana sent her the night before. I sent Stacie a text stating I didn't think a mother, a real good mother, would go off and leave her kid all weekend and not tell them where she was. That was at 8:45. At 1 something she replied that she had told Shandi on Thursday what she was doing. The thing is, she didn't tell me and I watch after her kids.

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

all about my isolation period

During my last appointment with my pulmonary doc, he asked for a sputum sample. I was so proud when i was able to produce that for him on September the 20, ....and even got results from it to the Iris (online doctor portal) by mid week.

However, my pride soon turned to aggravation and frustration and thus the details of that follow....along with some happies thrown in here and there..

Friday 9/27/13 Happy Birthday, Ana. Got call from Health Department…coming by Monday morning for some bloodwork due to the results of my latest sputum tests which according to Iris were…. Moraxella (branhamella) catarrhalis

Beta lactamase positive.
Heavy growth

I looked all this up on the internet and didn't find a thing that was troublesome nor related to the tuberculosis bacteria.

On Friday the 27th the local Health Department called and wanted to come by on Monday, 9/30/13 to take some blood work and get their own sputum. On Monday, the nurse came by and rather than do a skin test for TB, she said she was drawing blood as that would give her/them a more intensive/complete result. She also said if I couldn't give her a sputum sample that was ok. I didn't.

I asked why all this and she stated because of my prior diagnosis with the mycobacterium being in the TB family they had to do this. I asked even if this latest sputum didn't test positive for that and she said it was all in the same family.

Saturday 9/28/13 Watered nursery, Terry and Bruce went to resevoir fishing, started working in office cleaning it up, Ana, Cheyenne and I went with Pat and Ronnie to Dempseys for Ana's birthday. Went to bed around 9..fell asleep…woke around 11 when Terry came home…went back to sleep..woke around 1:30 so here I am updating computers and typing away.

 

Of course all this time I cannot go anywhere and if I do I have to wear a mask. The only place I have been since the 27th is to keep my appointment with the ENT, Dr. Thompson on the 1st of October at which I wore a mask the health department nurse provided.

I called on Friday the 4th and all my blood came back fine but nothing on the culture. When I questioned that she said they were growing a culture from the sputum I collected for Dr. V and it could take a while.

Again today, Monday, October 7, 2013, I called for results on that culture and nothing. When I research the culture for tuberculosis, I find it can take up to 6 weeks to grow.

10/9/13 I still haven't heard from the HD and have a Balance test at Dr. Thompson's office at 9:30. I go to it, keeping Ana out of school and taking her with me just for company and another pair of eyes. I have reached a point I don't trust myself and my eyes. I went through the balance test…whoa!!!! Big old set of goggles on my face that by the end of the test was causing a headache, following red dots across a light bar and up and down a light bar, staring at red dots, turning head and being laid back quickly from all angles, then warm air blown into each ear with a 5 minute rest between blowings, then cold, then a repeat of the warm air in the left ear which seemed to be the worst….I was/am worn out.

We leave the doctor's office and I am pulling into a parking space at the mall when the Health Department calls. I am released from isolation but am still a suspect, so be cautious about whom I'm around until we know the sputum doesn't grow anything awful or mysterious!!!!!! Imagine green slime with glowing purple overlay!!!!! hehehehehehehe

Ana and I try out Newt's for lunch; our first time there. Yep, this is a keeper. We ordered the shrimp po-boy--she got the full po-boy with chips and I got a half with a Caesar Salad. Taste was wonderful, dining area clean, plenty of choices on the condiment/oil/vinegar bar--yep, a keeper.

From there we went to Sam's and picked up a couple things, then to Columbia and Walgreen's for meds, and of course by McD's for a caramel Frappe before heading home.

The nurse had told me not to come home and work in the yard to take it easy because she had put me through the mill. I came in expecting to at least take it easy until time for Prayer meeting when Stacie text and wanted me to bring her some gas. She had run out of gas in the bike just below the school. Of course, I had to go buy gas because someone always leaves the cans empty; so after doing that and an interesting conversation with Ana on the way about her mom and a job, we delivered mom her gas and made it back home just in time for the phone to ring and after that, visitors and then another phone call and now, finally 3 hours after arriving home the house has calmed down just a bit.

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

hospital and following

Went into the hospital on August 18th with inflammed lungs and virtually no air movement. Stayed through Wednesday, August 21. I was given massive (for me) doses of Steroids, which in turn ran my sugar up, (I am not diabetic) made my heart race and gave me a killer headache. I came home with a step down dose of Prednisone--20, 15, 10, and 5 mg. As time went on I began to feel better but still hadn't gotten totally up to par. But, not being able to just 'be' on Sept 3,4 and 5 I took the books out of the hall book shelf, cleaned it well and proceeded to paint it with the same yellow as the hall.

Of course I chose to not use the kiltz as I knew the scent it had. I truly was/am trying to steer clear of all harmful fumes and irritants but a girl just has to get up and do sometimes.

So, on Friday the 6th I woke with a sore throat, that over all feeling of unwellness. I muddled through the day, went to the ballgame and set myself up to serve the nachos as I could sit between customers. I made it through the game even though I thought a time or two I would have to leave.

Saturday, Sept.7, I watered the nursery and cooked food for our Sunday dinner.

September 8, church, fed the missionary, home and took Star to meet her mom, back for a nap and church.

9/9/13 emailed Dr. V's office, described tightness in my chest, not feeling well, informed them I was seeing NP on Tuesday.

9/10/10 Saw Chris (NP). Diagnosed sinusitis. I had coughed up some nasty stuff that morning. He said to take the Ativan for the inner ear as my ears were still full of fluid and added Mucinex D which I have yet to find.

9/11/13 Began using nasal rinse, flonase, along with albuteral in nebulizer, spireva and q var; allegra, hormone and prilosec. This would be my routine from here on. I did water the fern house, picked a bucket of peas, shelled, blanched and froze them, sold some trees. Went to bed around 8.

9/12/13 woke up around3/4 o'clock coughing, surprising loose. Finally got up and took cough med..had and continue to take a dose each night at bedtime. Woke back up @ 6, got up, did meds; put on mask and mowed about 30" in the yard, pulled a few weeds in flowerbed, finished bookshelf--put shelves in and books on shelf; did 2 loads laundrey.

9/13/13 Woke burning in respiratory area, sore, scratchy throat, head felt woozy. Remembered I had failed to take my ativan the night before. Took cough med, laid down around 8PM, fell sleep, woke every 2-3 hours but would go back to sleep.

Watered Greenhouse, picked peas. Before I was done picking the peas I felt woopy head, like going real fast down a high hill.

About 8PM began cough, cough, cough. Took cough med and finally coughed up some yellow stuff. Rubbed chest with vicks and took a pepperment @ 9.

9/14/13 Woke in a.m. coughing yellow stuff. Drove daughter to Jackson, back through Brookhaven to grocery shop and by sis in laws to drop Ana off. Felt rough, with dry cough, almost feverish by the evening; cold when I shouldn't have been cold. I laid down by 6PM, woke at 9 coughing, fixed a hot toddy(whiskey sour) used lemon, honey, water and whiskey) Took rest of meds and went to sleep

Sunday 9/15/13 Woke coughing and blowing yellow mucous. Made it to church but had to sit to teach my Sunday School class. All over feeling of weakness. After church and lunch I laid down and took a nap. Went back to church for some business and the Discipleship Class but left after that. Ate when I came in at 6 pm, fixed a hot toddy, drank it and laid down. Drifted off to sleep. Woke at 9pm coughing again, took cough med and ativan, still coughed for an hour before meds finally kicked in.

Monday 9/16/13 woke at 4, slept off and on till 6am. cough was more dry and some painful.

After breakfast and meds I watered the nursery, pulled few weeds at house, sprayed a bit of roundup on some weeds and cleaned food from shed refrigerator. I had/did feel some better on Monday. I took my meds around 8:30 9pm (cough med and ativan) and laid down. I began to have the feeling of if I even talked I would go into a coughing spasm. I tried pepermint. Then started coughing..finally got up at 10 and fixed another hot toddy. After drinking it I went on to sleep.

I am noticing a connection between what I do and how I feel the next day. If I am at the nursery, or if I pull even 5 weeds, or spray roundup 5 minutes or do anything that involves problem smells, chemicals, molds, mildews, pollen, dust, etc then the next day I am down for the count. Because…

Tuesday 9/17/13 I woke coughing up yellow stuff and feeling tight and painful in my chest. My head feels whoopy and I can barely get myself going this morning although I have emptied the water from the defrosted shed refrig, put the towels I left to soak up extra water on to wash, emptied the litter pan and fixed a bite of breakfast.

 

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

Sharing or shunning? Joining or judging?

Draw from others the lesson that may profit yourself.
--Terence

Our Twelve Step program offers us the best education in the world, free of charge. Everybody in recovery has something to teach us, if we'll listen. Each of us has a unique set of experiences and background, problems and solutions to share. From each other we can learn about recovery and about the world, too. We can hear what it's like to live on the streets, even if we didn't lose everything to addiction. We can learn how others got their families involved in a Twelve Step program of their own. We can learn about the problems we may encounter at work, how to avoid them, and how to solve them. We can hear from someone who has been there, rather than through relapse, how it feels to be addicted to another substance.

The experience of others gives us a rare chance to broaden our horizons. We can learn how it feels to be a member of a minority, how to love ourselves enough to combat hatred, how to triumph from adversity. Most important, by listening to others with respect and love, we can learn to truly value other people, even those who are different from us.

Today help me appreciate the teachings of my Twelve Step program. Help me continue to learn.

I read this and as it applies to my 'recovery' I understand it totally...when I began Al-anon many years ago, there were many wise voices around the table sharing what it was like to have a spouse addicted. I hadn't a clue...my qualifier was a child. As time went on, I asked God to help me help others in my situation and He has placed many people in my path with whom I have shared my experiences, problems and solutions.

But as I read this devotion this morning, my mind was more on my church family than on my recovery room family--although I believe every single person on the planet could benefit from the simple program of Al-anon and those 12 steps.

But back to my church family...are we taking advantage of other members experiences, backgrounds, problems and solutions..........OR.......are we all up in arms because we don't do it THAT way or we'd NEVER do it that way. Do we shun those with more colorful backgrounds for fear their 'wild' side will rub off on us? Are we sincerely interested and willing to be involved in their problems or are we so wrapped up in our problems we cannot see or hear what is going on in the person sitting next to us on the pew? Do we share our problems with each other and really listen to the solution that worked for them? True, their solution might not work for us...but then again, it might.

My 'recovery' program, with God's help every step of the way, helped me to change my attitude about so many things; allowed me to truly turn my will and life over to the care of God, taught me to tend my own side of the street and leave my neighbors business alone and taught me to ACCEPT THOSE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE...and there are a lot of those things.

Yep, I have my own opinion. Yep, I am not afraid to share that opinion. I also know that my opinion is just that, my opinion...it isn't always fact, it isn't always the best way, it is just my way as I see it at the moment. That could change given a change in circumstances or even another day's growth!!!!

God, help me to shine your light on my own life today, exposing those things that need changing and improving on those things that are good.

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

Salvation

My youngest accepted Christ as Saviour tonight. She had 'accepted' a few months back at a Judgment House she went to with the youth. Not having a pastor at the time not much was done toward follow through with her. Add to that the home situation and maw let it slide past her.

Then we got a pastor and a baptism was planned for another young kid who also accepted Christ during the same JH and Shandi was wanting to be baptized too.

I do believe she believes she accepted Christ as her Saviour. I know she doesn't understand a lot of stuff like us 'normal' people; but I also think she doesn't have the wherewithal to follow though without a whole lot of encouragment. Then again, she may just be the person God uses to speak to her mother and father.

I sure appreciate our pastor, Bro. Keven who has talked with Shandi, encouraged me and helped us through this. He is a wonderful man of God and I pray daily for him that he won't become discouraged. I also pray that I will help Shandi grow as a young Christian as well as be an encouragement to our pastor.

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

fingers and fingers

Thank the Lord we got a good report on Terry's fingers today. They still look rough, but the doc thinks they just might heal right on up.

Lord, we need you to heal another kind of finger--the kind that points out the faults of others and covers unkind words spoken and secrets shared. I never thought that grown women would act that way, especially grown Christian women.

Oh such a need for a broken and contrite spirit. Lord help me to look at my own self and weed out the faults and sins that reside within; help me to not strike out when hurt or ignored; help me to always focus on you and the price you paid on Calvary for my sins. Lord, help me to be more like you. Forgive me for my failures just today, help me to grow stronger in my walk with You.

Amen

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

Friday March 22...kids

I really expected to hear from daughter some today, given she finally staggered down the hill to help mow only the mower battery was deader than a door nail. That's pretty dead, folks.

Nope, no sign of her. I finally sent a text around 5 or 6 letting her know daddy intended to mow in the morning if it wasn't raining. No response.

When I returned from church, I discovered that Hollee was back out spending the weekend with Shan. I pondered if daughter was awake enough to give permission for this. When I saw Shan I asked and she said she turned the light on and asked mom and mom said she reckoned which, according to Shan, is a yes. ROFLMAO when mom wakes, IF she wakes to discover she gave permission for a weekend guest and she isn't even out of the bed. Shan says she sleeps and wakes, sleeps and wakes. I asked if she ever said anything at school about it and she said no...her teacher couldn't really do anything about it.

Then I talked with son and he is planning to come tomorrow. He plans to come and help with the mowing. Bless his heart. Always good as gold when he isn't on drugs. He's a good man.

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

After the accident

We call the clinic on Monday to speak with Dr. Whitehead's staff and arrange an appointment only to be told that we should have been told to come in, not call. We dressed quickly and left arriving there around 11. We finally saw the doc around 12, well his nurse to begin with. She was a bit mouthy and rough, trying to take off the bandage the ER had put on with nothing to prevent the gauze from sticking OR the splint from sticking. She ended up having to soak the bandage and splint off his fingers, leaving some of the blue foam from the splint behind. Doc looked at the finger and decided he wanted to go and clean it up, set the bone and put the nail back into place. It was arranged for the next day.

We left the clinic and went to the Orthopedic Surgery building, did the pre-op, and finally left there around 3 with orders to bath that night and the next morning in some special soap they gave us and nothing per oral after midnight...blah, blah, blah.

The next day we arrived around 10:30 for an 11 surgery. They finally wheeled him into OR around 1 and began the surgery at 1:30. Afterwards the doctor called the waiting room and told me he still didn't like the looks of the tip of his ring finger, but he didn't want to jump the gun. He would see him in the office next week...Wednesday the 27 to be exact...and see how it looked. Instructions were given on how to treat him and we left for home.

I had called Stacie on Monday to let her know I was putting her phone number on the note at the store and she could answer her phone and wait on any customers who might call. As of Tuesday evening we hadn't heard a word from her. Ana was sick on Monday night, so she took care of what customers I had on Tuesday while we were at Hattiesburg.

Today, Thursday, Terry called Stacie to see if she would go with him and Ana to mow the church yard. He had gotten the bid this year and the wild onions needed mowing. When she came down she was like a drunk person.

 She's taking too much of something and is slurring her words, acting almost drunk. I don't know if she drinks along with the zoloft and trazadone and whatever else or if she's taking the loratabs the doc prescribed Shandi when she had her tonsilectomy. Whatever she's doing she tried to tell me today that it was her shoes making her unsteady. I told her to please not try to feed me that line of bull that shoes didn't slur your words or make your eyes all glazy and your mouth hang open like some dim wit.
*sigh* Even Shandi worries and says she needs to wake up and go to the health department and talk about her problems. That will help, she says. Bless her.

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

My day at Hattiesburg

Got call first thing this morning that a wholesale customer was sending someone for an order. I started pulling the order. Terry called around 9, he was on the way to the ER. He had caught his ring and pinky finger on the right hand between the chain and tailgate of the dump truck at work. I couldn't leave until the wholesale customer came or at least until I had the order pulled and priced out. I called Stacie around 10 because by then Terry had called back and was being sent to Hattiesburg. Tylertown couldn't help him. I got no answer, so I left an ugly message on the voice mail. She is never awake when I need her, and it never seems to bother her. When she does get chewed out she will come around for a day or two and act all helpful and brag on herself until I want to puke.

Anyway, it worked out. Customer came, left, I left and took Terry to H'burg. We got into their ER at 11:55. We finally left at 6:00 PM and only then after I got a bit cranky with them. Ughhh. They sewed his fingers up and we have to call an orthopedic doc on Monday to set an appointment with him since he broke one of the fingers.

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

There is Sunshine in the world today!

Yes, sunshine. Days and days and days of rain and clouds and now we have sunshine!!!! What a beautiful sight. What a beautiful world. I feel warm already and it's still 34 degrees outside.

I read an old entry this morning on our pastor's blog about grownups who can't make friends. There were logical reasons for this and I agree with them. I also took a moment to reflect on my own 'friend' issues; something I have done through the years at various points in my life. I know that there are other issues which add to my reluctance to make friends, or at least to make that one friend with whom I can bare my heart and soul. I believe this is true of others as well.

I believe we, or at least most of us, have at our very core a belief that the people in our world, our inner circle, are good, honest, trustworthy, dependable, reliable people. So, in the beginning we choose that one person with whom we feel comfortable, that person with whom it is just natural to open up and talk and we spill our guts as it were.

Time passes and we discover that our secrets have either been spread around the community or used against us in an argument. So we put up a shell. Over time we let the shell begin to crack and eventually we open up to yet another person in our life only to find ourselves in the painful situation of realizing that friend has hurt us too. Oh, maybe that friend didn't share our secrets, or use them as a knife to stab into our very heart...maybe that friend just drifted out of our life and acted as though there had never been anything special between us. For those who have esteem issues to begin with, this brings up the whole flurry of what did I do wrong, what are they saying about me, why can't I keep a friend? In reality, it isn't always all about us. Sometimes it is all about the other person.

But what if we were the one who hurt the other person? Where do we go from there? Is it conceivable that 2 people can have a friendship/relationship and never, ever hurt each other? I contend that this is not possible IF the friendship/relationship is a real and true one. I say we are all human and we will all say or do or not or not do something that is either downright intentionally hurtful or worse yet, perceived as hurtful when that was never the intent. This happens in marriages; of course it will happen in friendships. 

One of my basic flaws in the past has been to have high, unrealistically high expectations of the people with whom I was close. Of course I was hurt. Of course I was disappointed. Of course I spent days doubting my own self and my 'ability' to make and more importantly keep a friend. Once I began to realize that an expectation is a recipe for disappointment and resentments I began to let go to those expectations. 

Sure, I expect a friend to 'keep' a secret, should I tell them one. But at this point in my life I simply don't have many secrets. I also try to not say a thing to anyone about another person that I couldn't or wouldn't say to that person's face. Of course I don't always manage that. I am human. I very often open mouth insert foot and even though my intentions are honorable and I don't mean to put another person in a bad light, quite often my words are perceived that way, but perception is a whole 'nother topic!!! :D

But what if, just what IF I (or you) am totally incapable of making or at least keeping a friend? Could there be a reason for this? Could there be some genetic malfunction that causes this? I am aware that some conditions such as Asperger's Syndrome can manifest itself in character traits which make it next to impossible for the person to make and/or keep a friendship. Psychological type issues can also interfere with one's ability to make or keep friends...but back to the paragraph which says that  we have found our confidences used against us or spread around the community, go back to that shell that people tend to construct when these things happen, these emotional hurts strike. One can build up such a shell around the 'heart' that it is virtually impossible to crack-one that in spite of growth, experience, spiritual maturity, whatever---that shell will constantly be there. 

That shell with constantly be there, skewing a person's perception, causing that person to make choices that are detrimental to the friendship, twisting innocent actions and/or statements into hurtful barbs that pierce to the core.

Friendships can hurt. Maybe that is why so many choose to have what I call surface friendships rather than core friendships. I need to just keep praying and working on this.

--
One way to become enthusiastic is to look for the plus sign. To make progress in any difficult situation, you have to start with what's right about it and build on that.
-- Norman Vincent Peale

rain and more rain in more ways that rain

8 inches of rain, so I am told has fallen here in the past few days and more to come. thank you, Lord that we are not experiencing ice, as the northern part of the state is experiencing. Still, it's a dreary day, both outside my window and inside my heart.

I have opened mouth and inserted foot, the foot was repeated to my friend, the person the foot referred to...not in an ugly manner, in a truthful, matter of fact manner...but my friend was hurt. Either by my words and what words were repeated as mine. I don't know precisely what was shared and attributed to me.

I always ask friends to come to me when they hear anything that is questionable...whether from me or from someone saying I said something. It is the Biblical way of handling a problem, it is the fair and right thing to do, it is the only way to honestly work through a relationship problem. This hasn't happened. 

I was told it was ok when reference was made to the issue in a text message. I was busy and couldn't pursue the subject. Friend was busy all weekend with a situation of her own and it was 2 days later before I realized she had been hurt.

I have apologized, honestly, sincerely. I have shared what I said to the best of my recollection. I have shared my thinking behind the sharing. I have made every attempt to be honest and to not fall into justification, only explanation. I was wrong to say a word concerning the situation. I cannot take the words back. I can only apologize, ask God to help me never, ever to refer to my friend at all to anyone and move forward and pray that she will forgive and reconcile.

But, part of that isn't reasonable. One cannot co-exist in the world and especially be friends with a person and never refer to them. I honestly thought I was simply sharing facts. Oh well, I must let it go, let God handle it and stop obsessing over it. May God use this to change me, to mold me, to teach me.

--
One way to become enthusiastic is to look for the plus sign. To make progress in any difficult situation, you have to start with what's right about it and build on that.
-- Norman Vincent Peale

Sunday

Today begins our January Bible Study. It is from Luke 19-24 and is on the Passion of Christ. Bro. Bill Miller is teaching this again this year; a wonderful speaker and very knowledgable and has a way of making application. This morning was our introduction. We will have another 2 hour study time tonight and again Mon-Wed.

This section of Luke begins surrounding our study begins with the Triumphal Entry of Jesus and ends with His ascension. A few verses that speak out to us from this study will be from 19:24-40...where Jesus approached the city of Jerusalem (meaning city of peace) and wept because it was such a disrupted city and he was standing before the people, their deliverer, their saviour, their hope, yet they were blinded and didn't see.

24:13 and following tells the story of how Jesus came upon the 2 men walking on the Emmaeus Road and Jesus comes us besides them and walks and talks with them, telling them of himself..yet scripture tells us their eyes prevented them from recognizing. Later on after telling them all about himself, their eyes opened...are our opened or are they blinded by the world around us and our own personal sins?

Are our minds opened to understand scripture or do we journey through life with blinders on, with limited vision. Do we know Him? Jesus was told to stop telling the people about himself, but He said that even if He did, the rocks would cry out of Him.

One of the things unique to Luke and not the other 3 gospels is an internal introduction. The book is written by Luke to reveal Jesus. The theme is the Son of Man...came to save mankind. Luke is an indepth study of the Passion of Christ.

In V. 28 of Chapter19 Jesus arrives..and as we read on in V.29 Jesus sends his disciples to Bethany, the home of Mary and Martha, and tells them to bring him the cold, if asked the purpose it's because the Lord needs it. Has to be a cold never ridden, as that makes it appropriate for sacred purposes. As we read on, the willingness with which it is given up indicates foreknowledge of Jesus by the owner.

V.36 we read that the people spread their clothes in front of Jesus, this is traditional when kings are presented and signifies a royal procession.

Remember, that Jesus has taught in the area for 3 years, performed miracles and there are tens of thousands of people in Jerusalem during Passover. Here is a 'royal figure, entering a royal city to establish peace...they think earthly peace but it is heavenly peace.

V. 39 He is told to rebuke his disciples as they proclaim Him and Jesus tells the crowd that if the disciples become silent, the rocks would cry out . This is a figurative crying out, providing evident of wrongs done. Abel's blood cried out after Cain slew him, in James the money cries out on behalf of the accused.

V. 41 As Jesus enters the city, he weeks, not just crying, not just shedding a tear, but broken hearted sobbing over Jerusalem's sin condition, the condition of people of Israel, they are in such rebellion.

V.42 Is spoken to Jerusalem, the city of peace, and in essence is they are blinded to what brings real peace.

. 43 the destruction of Jerusalem in AD 70, the enemy is coming and will hem them in on all sides. The peace (spiritually) that Jesus brings will end the worldly peace they knew. We are called to be totally committed buy many want just access to Him.

In V. 44 the Greek word for time means the opportune time to act..today is the day of salvation.  And as for the 'visitation' it is either wrath or mercy..here it is for the purpose of mercy.

V. 45 he drives out the sellers from the temple, the holiest of places on earth 

V. 46  what should have been a house of prayer had failed, it had become the exact opposite...

Now from here in Chapter 19 we jump to chapter 21:29 and following for a fitting metaphor...the parable of the fig tree. A tree with leaves and not fruit is of no value just as the temple with no fruit is of no value. How many Christians, people who claimed to be Christians have no fruit, there fore no value.

Back to Chapter 19:47From the entry in Jerusalem through the visitation is believed by many to be a Sunday...the throwing out of the sellers happened on a Monday prior to Good Friday, and the teaching he did occurred on Tuesday and Wednesday.

V. 48..all the people were attentive, the scribes and pharisees coul d not find a reason to get of him which they desired to do and in 

Chpter 20 they question His authority and as He preaches the good news they question Him concerning John the Baptist. 

As often happens, Jesus answers a question with a question, but the religious leaders figure all this out and rather than trap themselves they claim to not know the answer. They were being religious politicians as they discussed best how to answer, what to say, what not to say.

In V. 9-16 we have the parable of vinegrowers. this is an example of God's dealing with Israel. The religious leaders rejecting Jesus, spiritual leaders don't to lose the power they have and judgment is passed against Israel and the gospel is given to Paul and the gentiles. The very Jesus they reject will be cornerstone of our faith. Jesus is to one healing and to another judgement. 

The church needs to remember who the owner is..we don't own the church. We are the church.

In v. 19 the religious leaders tried to shut him down because he taught against them.

V. 20, they watched him closely hoping to trap him and as they see they can't...

V. 21 they butter him up

V. 22-23 they try to trick him but he sees it and again in 

V. 24 answers a question with a question

V. 26..unable to trip him up, they were amazed. He robbed them of their rebuttal. The truth always seems to amaze people.

--
One way to become enthusiastic is to look for the plus sign. To make progress in any difficult situation, you have to start with what's right about it and build on that.
-- Norman Vincent Peale

Fwd:

-There is a story to this bowl. On Saturday night, after stuffing ourselves with seafood, fish and/or steak at Kane's Restaurant; the SS class went back to the church for coffee, dessert and Dirty Santa. A precious lady from the church chose this gift to open; and as time went on it was learned that she had brought the gift herself.

When it was my turn, needing one of these bowls and having always wanted one of these bowls, but not willing to pay almost 20 dollars for one of these bowls, I chose to take it away from her (the dirty Santa part). There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth (grins) moaning and groaning; but all in fun of course.

Then when yet another precious lady from the church got her turn to choose a gift; can you believe that she took MY trifle bowl???? Of course down here we do NOT call them trifle bowls. They are called banana pudding bowls or rather 'nanner puddin bowls. Sure, we can put other sorts of decadent rich desserts in them...but banana pudding is the main thing.

Well, again, more moaning and groaning and gnashing of teeth. This time I was doing the dramatics...but this precious held firm and TOOK my bowl.

I chose another gift; not nearly as desirable, to me anyway, but highly useful around here. 

And on we went with the party.

Sunday after church, when I got into the car to go home, on the floor of the car, at my feet was a Christmas bag, inside which was this bowl and a card which said, I love you. The precious lady who had ended up with MY bowl, had graciously given it back.

Now...I feel led to bag it up and secretly give it back to the original owner, who is also a very precious lady. In my opinion, ownership of this bowl is not nearly as important to me as knowing I have done what I could do to bring fun, happiness and light into another's life. :D

--
One way to become enthusiastic is to look for the plus sign. To make progress in any difficult situation, you have to start with what's right about it and build on that.
-- Norman Vincent Peale