somewhere in between

Tuesday, December 3rd wasn't one of those *worst* days of my life. It wasn't one of those *best* days of my life. It was simply one of those days where you simply wanted to go home and take a pill or fix something stronger than a glass of water-IF you had those tendencies. :D

Noticed I had about 8 more days left on my hormones. Checked pharmacy website and no, the new prescript the NP had written 2 weeks prior was NOT there. Called the pharmacy, they said they could check with the doctor..all of this was on Monday. Tuesday, still no hormone prescript at the pharmacy. True, I still have 7 days, but this hormone takes a day or two for insurance to approve so time is important. Called the pharmacy they said to call the doctor's office. Called the doc's office and finally the receptionist said I had to come in and pick up the script.

I knew this. I told the NP this but NO, he knew more than me and said it wasn't necessary. So I drive to town, pick up my script and while there I go by the bank to close out 3 little accounts that had been started for grands and their parents wouldn't contribute. My plans were to give my 2 girls here their money and I had already given the neice her's for her wedding. Well, come to find out the bank had sucked up all but Ana's in fees and hadn't bothered to send out a letter. She said it was in the FINE print. yeah right!!! 

On to the town my scripts are filled in and I, thinking that since this script has to picked up in person then I need to take it straight to the pharmacy. NO, they don't want responsibility for it until it can be filled and that won't be until the 10th at which time I won't have any left....so look out world!!!!

Then I decided to stop in Walmart and pick up a few things for candy making and crafting and remembered Terry needed multi-vitamins; so I pick him up some, got some other things, but forgot the dipping chocolate and when I got home and unloaded everything I noticed that the vitamins I got Terry were WOMEN"s...so guess what peeps--he is gonna take them till they run out. Maybe he won't grow boobs...roflmo. It says it's good for metabolism so maybe it will rev his up and he will lose a pound, suppose?

*sigh*

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

Thanks for all the positives I have

Thanksgiving has come and gone. While I am thankful that I have beautiful, loving grand-daughters and a son who cares, along with inlaws; there are quite a few things I find it difficult to be thankful for ...even though I know I learn and grow from these hardships.

Shandi, my younger grand from my daughter spent all of Thanksgiving holiday with me. It was super cold for one thing and her mother doesn't make a lot of effort to keep a warm spot for the child. The folks from the coast were up and she enjoys spending time with them and playing cards and mama was being ---well, mama. Mama chooses to not come around when Judy and Robert are up because she doesn't like the way they talk about her tatoos and her lifestyle.

So, while daughter helped make her dad's birthday German chocolate cake on Tuesday, and came back and ate stew with us that night; we haven't seen her since. Shandi helped me clean the shed so she would have a private place of her own and she stayed there until Sunday. Sunday she spent some time with mom and whatever was said convinced Shandi to go back up there with her mom.

This evening Ana was asking her mom for some clothes that her friend Casey had sent back by her mom today. Daughter refuses to send them by Shandi and Ana's dad tells her to not be going up to her mom's house...there is a reason for that too. Mom, her friend CJ and their bf, Bruce will party hard (if you get my drift) in daughter's room and Shandi can hear them. When they aren't doing the 3-some, it's CJ and Bruce or when Daughter is angry with CJ it is her and Bruce. Quite an example to be setting for her youngest child.

So, Ana asks her mom for the clothes. Stacie replies that it isn't CJ's place to keep Ana's stuff and she can come get it if she wants it. And replies that CJ is the one who got her stuff, so she should know where it is and adds that she (Ana) wants nothing to do with her mom. Mom then asks for her Buffy tapes back and Ana says when she is done with them at which mom pops back with *finished tearing them up you mean*. Anytime something breaks or is missing, Ana did it.

Shandi goes up to her house and looks for Ana's clothes. Eventually she comes back crying and says that she wishes mom would stop saying that Ana doesn't love her and that their dad is trying to get her (Shandi) to not love her mom. 

Oh, the crap daughter lays on these kids--ya'll don't love me. Your dad is trying to take ya'll from me. I am mad at your paw and I won't go back down there ever. (She is mad because Paw ran their boyfriend off)

I so wish I had the answer to ease the pain they both (grands) must be feeling. Having had a mentally sick mother I am somewhat familiar with what they go through. God please help me to be the person I need to be for them.

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

grins and giggles

Yesterday the two girls were having a heated argument...Ana gave Shandi back a pair of shoes she had borrowed and when Shan asked why, Ana replied "They are too wide for my foot". Shandi immediate replied with "So you are saying I have a fat foot?" And from there the words flew. I was in the living room taking care of winterizing the window and as I listened to them I found myself grinning. The absurdity of their argument; the truth that each had a valid point; the knowledge that even as an adult I had argued just as ridiculously all gave me reason to actually laugh out loud.

They got on the bus still huffy and angry with each other. I remember when I would have tried to fix the problem before they got on the bus. I remember when I would have stressed all day over how their day went and what kind of trouble did they get into on the bus. This day, as they left for the bus, I sent up a quick prayer and immediately forgot about the argument. When they came in from school it was as though the argument had never happened.

Today, Stacie and I went to town to buy groceries. I had to take Ana to the doc on the way as she was sick with a sinus infection. Before making it to Walmart we went to McDonalds for a burger. While we ate, Ana's dad called and after he and I talked, he talked with Ana some and as they got off the phone we heard her say, I love you too, dad. There followed a long period of stress where Stacie tried to force Ana to say I love you to her by guilting and anger...none of which worked and surprisingly none of which disturbed my serenity. I did tell them both that we were in public and they could act accordingly, then I changed the subject.

I am so thankful that God is moving me toward not taking everything so seriously, that I am seeing how so much in my life simply isn't that important and how just remaining cool, calm and collected usually saves the day, so to speak. Maybe I am just too old to let these things bug me. Maybe I realize how short my time on this earth really is. Maybe I realize that God really is in control and it's ok if I let go...maybe all the above apply. 

It is good whatever it is.

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

another wild weekend

Well, well, well--Friday, October 11 I was scheduled to have an MRI of the brain--If they could find it. *hahahahaha* On Thursday I asked Stacie if she would like to go. She says if she wakes up in time, in fact, she says she might not have ever gone to sleep by 5:30 in the morning, which was the time I wanted to leave as I had to be there at 7 and it was to be foggy. I told her to simply not come if she hadn't slept any because I didn't need her to go and sleep on the way over and while there and on the way home. Sooooo, when I drove out of the drive on Friday morning and looked up toward her house there was no light at all on, so I went alone.

Saturday rolled around and I began to realize I hadn't noticed Stacie's bike under the shed. I questioned Ana who said she didn't think her mom had been home since Friday. Sunday Shandi walks in around 8:30 to ask if we know where her mom is. She said her mom had not left her a note or anything, just the dog's food outside her bedroom and the bedroom door locked. I woke Ana to ask if she had heard from mom and she said yes, mom had replied the world NO to a text message Ana sent her the night before. I sent Stacie a text stating I didn't think a mother, a real good mother, would go off and leave her kid all weekend and not tell them where she was. That was at 8:45. At 1 something she replied that she had told Shandi on Thursday what she was doing. The thing is, she didn't tell me and I watch after her kids.

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

all about my isolation period

During my last appointment with my pulmonary doc, he asked for a sputum sample. I was so proud when i was able to produce that for him on September the 20, ....and even got results from it to the Iris (online doctor portal) by mid week.

However, my pride soon turned to aggravation and frustration and thus the details of that follow....along with some happies thrown in here and there..

Friday 9/27/13 Happy Birthday, Ana. Got call from Health Department…coming by Monday morning for some bloodwork due to the results of my latest sputum tests which according to Iris were…. Moraxella (branhamella) catarrhalis

Beta lactamase positive.
Heavy growth

I looked all this up on the internet and didn't find a thing that was troublesome nor related to the tuberculosis bacteria.

On Friday the 27th the local Health Department called and wanted to come by on Monday, 9/30/13 to take some blood work and get their own sputum. On Monday, the nurse came by and rather than do a skin test for TB, she said she was drawing blood as that would give her/them a more intensive/complete result. She also said if I couldn't give her a sputum sample that was ok. I didn't.

I asked why all this and she stated because of my prior diagnosis with the mycobacterium being in the TB family they had to do this. I asked even if this latest sputum didn't test positive for that and she said it was all in the same family.

Saturday 9/28/13 Watered nursery, Terry and Bruce went to resevoir fishing, started working in office cleaning it up, Ana, Cheyenne and I went with Pat and Ronnie to Dempseys for Ana's birthday. Went to bed around 9..fell asleep…woke around 11 when Terry came home…went back to sleep..woke around 1:30 so here I am updating computers and typing away.

 

Of course all this time I cannot go anywhere and if I do I have to wear a mask. The only place I have been since the 27th is to keep my appointment with the ENT, Dr. Thompson on the 1st of October at which I wore a mask the health department nurse provided.

I called on Friday the 4th and all my blood came back fine but nothing on the culture. When I questioned that she said they were growing a culture from the sputum I collected for Dr. V and it could take a while.

Again today, Monday, October 7, 2013, I called for results on that culture and nothing. When I research the culture for tuberculosis, I find it can take up to 6 weeks to grow.

10/9/13 I still haven't heard from the HD and have a Balance test at Dr. Thompson's office at 9:30. I go to it, keeping Ana out of school and taking her with me just for company and another pair of eyes. I have reached a point I don't trust myself and my eyes. I went through the balance test…whoa!!!! Big old set of goggles on my face that by the end of the test was causing a headache, following red dots across a light bar and up and down a light bar, staring at red dots, turning head and being laid back quickly from all angles, then warm air blown into each ear with a 5 minute rest between blowings, then cold, then a repeat of the warm air in the left ear which seemed to be the worst….I was/am worn out.

We leave the doctor's office and I am pulling into a parking space at the mall when the Health Department calls. I am released from isolation but am still a suspect, so be cautious about whom I'm around until we know the sputum doesn't grow anything awful or mysterious!!!!!! Imagine green slime with glowing purple overlay!!!!! hehehehehehehe

Ana and I try out Newt's for lunch; our first time there. Yep, this is a keeper. We ordered the shrimp po-boy--she got the full po-boy with chips and I got a half with a Caesar Salad. Taste was wonderful, dining area clean, plenty of choices on the condiment/oil/vinegar bar--yep, a keeper.

From there we went to Sam's and picked up a couple things, then to Columbia and Walgreen's for meds, and of course by McD's for a caramel Frappe before heading home.

The nurse had told me not to come home and work in the yard to take it easy because she had put me through the mill. I came in expecting to at least take it easy until time for Prayer meeting when Stacie text and wanted me to bring her some gas. She had run out of gas in the bike just below the school. Of course, I had to go buy gas because someone always leaves the cans empty; so after doing that and an interesting conversation with Ana on the way about her mom and a job, we delivered mom her gas and made it back home just in time for the phone to ring and after that, visitors and then another phone call and now, finally 3 hours after arriving home the house has calmed down just a bit.

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

hospital and following

Went into the hospital on August 18th with inflammed lungs and virtually no air movement. Stayed through Wednesday, August 21. I was given massive (for me) doses of Steroids, which in turn ran my sugar up, (I am not diabetic) made my heart race and gave me a killer headache. I came home with a step down dose of Prednisone--20, 15, 10, and 5 mg. As time went on I began to feel better but still hadn't gotten totally up to par. But, not being able to just 'be' on Sept 3,4 and 5 I took the books out of the hall book shelf, cleaned it well and proceeded to paint it with the same yellow as the hall.

Of course I chose to not use the kiltz as I knew the scent it had. I truly was/am trying to steer clear of all harmful fumes and irritants but a girl just has to get up and do sometimes.

So, on Friday the 6th I woke with a sore throat, that over all feeling of unwellness. I muddled through the day, went to the ballgame and set myself up to serve the nachos as I could sit between customers. I made it through the game even though I thought a time or two I would have to leave.

Saturday, Sept.7, I watered the nursery and cooked food for our Sunday dinner.

September 8, church, fed the missionary, home and took Star to meet her mom, back for a nap and church.

9/9/13 emailed Dr. V's office, described tightness in my chest, not feeling well, informed them I was seeing NP on Tuesday.

9/10/10 Saw Chris (NP). Diagnosed sinusitis. I had coughed up some nasty stuff that morning. He said to take the Ativan for the inner ear as my ears were still full of fluid and added Mucinex D which I have yet to find.

9/11/13 Began using nasal rinse, flonase, along with albuteral in nebulizer, spireva and q var; allegra, hormone and prilosec. This would be my routine from here on. I did water the fern house, picked a bucket of peas, shelled, blanched and froze them, sold some trees. Went to bed around 8.

9/12/13 woke up around3/4 o'clock coughing, surprising loose. Finally got up and took cough med..had and continue to take a dose each night at bedtime. Woke back up @ 6, got up, did meds; put on mask and mowed about 30" in the yard, pulled a few weeds in flowerbed, finished bookshelf--put shelves in and books on shelf; did 2 loads laundrey.

9/13/13 Woke burning in respiratory area, sore, scratchy throat, head felt woozy. Remembered I had failed to take my ativan the night before. Took cough med, laid down around 8PM, fell sleep, woke every 2-3 hours but would go back to sleep.

Watered Greenhouse, picked peas. Before I was done picking the peas I felt woopy head, like going real fast down a high hill.

About 8PM began cough, cough, cough. Took cough med and finally coughed up some yellow stuff. Rubbed chest with vicks and took a pepperment @ 9.

9/14/13 Woke in a.m. coughing yellow stuff. Drove daughter to Jackson, back through Brookhaven to grocery shop and by sis in laws to drop Ana off. Felt rough, with dry cough, almost feverish by the evening; cold when I shouldn't have been cold. I laid down by 6PM, woke at 9 coughing, fixed a hot toddy(whiskey sour) used lemon, honey, water and whiskey) Took rest of meds and went to sleep

Sunday 9/15/13 Woke coughing and blowing yellow mucous. Made it to church but had to sit to teach my Sunday School class. All over feeling of weakness. After church and lunch I laid down and took a nap. Went back to church for some business and the Discipleship Class but left after that. Ate when I came in at 6 pm, fixed a hot toddy, drank it and laid down. Drifted off to sleep. Woke at 9pm coughing again, took cough med and ativan, still coughed for an hour before meds finally kicked in.

Monday 9/16/13 woke at 4, slept off and on till 6am. cough was more dry and some painful.

After breakfast and meds I watered the nursery, pulled few weeds at house, sprayed a bit of roundup on some weeds and cleaned food from shed refrigerator. I had/did feel some better on Monday. I took my meds around 8:30 9pm (cough med and ativan) and laid down. I began to have the feeling of if I even talked I would go into a coughing spasm. I tried pepermint. Then started coughing..finally got up at 10 and fixed another hot toddy. After drinking it I went on to sleep.

I am noticing a connection between what I do and how I feel the next day. If I am at the nursery, or if I pull even 5 weeds, or spray roundup 5 minutes or do anything that involves problem smells, chemicals, molds, mildews, pollen, dust, etc then the next day I am down for the count. Because…

Tuesday 9/17/13 I woke coughing up yellow stuff and feeling tight and painful in my chest. My head feels whoopy and I can barely get myself going this morning although I have emptied the water from the defrosted shed refrig, put the towels I left to soak up extra water on to wash, emptied the litter pan and fixed a bite of breakfast.

 

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.

Sharing or shunning? Joining or judging?

Draw from others the lesson that may profit yourself.
--Terence

Our Twelve Step program offers us the best education in the world, free of charge. Everybody in recovery has something to teach us, if we'll listen. Each of us has a unique set of experiences and background, problems and solutions to share. From each other we can learn about recovery and about the world, too. We can hear what it's like to live on the streets, even if we didn't lose everything to addiction. We can learn how others got their families involved in a Twelve Step program of their own. We can learn about the problems we may encounter at work, how to avoid them, and how to solve them. We can hear from someone who has been there, rather than through relapse, how it feels to be addicted to another substance.

The experience of others gives us a rare chance to broaden our horizons. We can learn how it feels to be a member of a minority, how to love ourselves enough to combat hatred, how to triumph from adversity. Most important, by listening to others with respect and love, we can learn to truly value other people, even those who are different from us.

Today help me appreciate the teachings of my Twelve Step program. Help me continue to learn.

I read this and as it applies to my 'recovery' I understand it totally...when I began Al-anon many years ago, there were many wise voices around the table sharing what it was like to have a spouse addicted. I hadn't a clue...my qualifier was a child. As time went on, I asked God to help me help others in my situation and He has placed many people in my path with whom I have shared my experiences, problems and solutions.

But as I read this devotion this morning, my mind was more on my church family than on my recovery room family--although I believe every single person on the planet could benefit from the simple program of Al-anon and those 12 steps.

But back to my church family...are we taking advantage of other members experiences, backgrounds, problems and solutions..........OR.......are we all up in arms because we don't do it THAT way or we'd NEVER do it that way. Do we shun those with more colorful backgrounds for fear their 'wild' side will rub off on us? Are we sincerely interested and willing to be involved in their problems or are we so wrapped up in our problems we cannot see or hear what is going on in the person sitting next to us on the pew? Do we share our problems with each other and really listen to the solution that worked for them? True, their solution might not work for us...but then again, it might.

My 'recovery' program, with God's help every step of the way, helped me to change my attitude about so many things; allowed me to truly turn my will and life over to the care of God, taught me to tend my own side of the street and leave my neighbors business alone and taught me to ACCEPT THOSE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE...and there are a lot of those things.

Yep, I have my own opinion. Yep, I am not afraid to share that opinion. I also know that my opinion is just that, my opinion...it isn't always fact, it isn't always the best way, it is just my way as I see it at the moment. That could change given a change in circumstances or even another day's growth!!!!

God, help me to shine your light on my own life today, exposing those things that need changing and improving on those things that are good.

--

The 3 C's of life
Choice, chance, change
Make a choice
To take a chance
or life never changes.